One of my best friends is leaving town. I've written about Michael Saltzman before,
but in two weeks he'll be leaving DC for Los Angeles to pursue a career
in film and television, and more importantly to start a new chapter of
his life - away from his childhood home and the accumulated baggage that
comes from trying to be an adult in the same place you were once a kid.
Intellectually, I think that's fantastic, and maybe even necessary, but
I'm really torn up about it. We threw a big goodbye party for him the
other night and it was a surprisingly emotional experience for me. I
don't cry a lot, but I did then. I'm going to miss him.
Mike is a really close friend of mine, way beyond just making theater. But he's also one of my closest artistic collaborators.
We've done 13 shows together, more than me and anyone except Zach
Fernebok. When I read shows, I think of Michael in them. When I decide I
want produce or direct a show, it's because Michael will shine. He can
take any character and find a world of honesty, humanity, and nuance
inside them - whether pirates or hunchbacks or turtles or a talking
stack of books. His versatility is unmatched, his talent is huge. More
than anyone he's been my brother in process.
I can't imagine going forward making plays without him.
This is a look back at the 13 productions Michael and I have
collaborated on so far - as Actor and Director, Playwright and Director,
Producer and Director, Producer and Actor, Actor and Dramaturg, Actors
together - every combination. A small tribute to an incredibly valuable partnership that is coming to a hopefully brief and temporary pause.
Each of these productions probably deserves a longer post
or series of posts of their own, but in the interest of brevity (and
anyone who reads this blog is laughing at that) I'm going to try to
focus on my experiences working with Michael on each of these shows.
PICASSO AT THE LAPIN AGILE
There is a moment in Picasso at the Lapin Agile
when several characters are reminiscing about what may have been,
fantasizing briefly about their secret hopes and dreams that will remain
forever unfulfilled. In our production, we turned that section into a
song - a soft, breezy, gentle melody supported by Aaron Bliden's (as an
unnamed Elvis) guitar, using his music to coax a group of strangers'
secrets into the open. In the middle of it all was Michael Saltzman as
Albert Einstein, singing with beautiful and upbeat clarity, anchoring
the moment.
This
was my first show with Michael after knowing each other for about a
year or so. I was very excited to have him on board. He brought an
intelligence to Einstein that wasn't stuffy or historic. I remember his
good natured displeasure with having to rock a mustache for the better
part of a month as a young Einstein. I remember his daily Jack Handy
quotes at top of rehearsal check ins. I remember the wonder I felt when
he, Picasso, and Elvis would stare at the sky and see the universe
unfold.
But mostly I remember a song about Albert Einstein and the Kentuckymen, a secret dream put into melody and verse.
In college I used to play a game with friends where we would try and guess who from our department would actually do theater out in the real world, and who would move on to something else. Who did we think had the talent, temperament, and tenacity to make it as a professional actor or director or designer. Who seemed to really want it, and to have the tools to get it. Who would stay on their path, who would move backstage or into education, who was committed, and who was just there. It was part critique, part psycho-analysis, part gossip. It was arrogant. But as a time waster it was fun to imagine to what heights our crew could be capable of. I enjoy and take great pride in watching my friends succeed, even if recently I've felt marred by a tinge of professional jealousy that I am hoping to excise. And while there are a lot of people who have moved on to new passions and endeavors since graduation, a surprisingly large number of my classmates have stayed in the field - creating a strong Maryland Mafia in the DC theater community that has birthed several companies and a deep sense that we all really have each others back. Cause we do.
My preoccupation is with what other people think about me. So one day I asked my friend Amanda if she thought I would stay with it. She paused for a second and said, "Yeah. I can't see you doing anything else."
I started doing theater when I was 12 years old (if you don't count my onstage debut as God in the 3rd grade play, where I shouted "Al Har Sinai! Al Har Sinai!" but my glove was twisted and pointed to the wrong mountain) as the Arbiter in a production of Chess, which is such a weird and quirky first show to be in. I'm 27 now and theater is the dominating and driving passion of my life. It's my art, my career, my predominant play time, most of my social circle. It's most of my life, honestly. And at 15 years into this craft and business I've now been pursuing it over half my life too.
On the one hand, I love it. Deeply and passionately. And on the other hand, it's a very hard life. Not hard like going off to war, but a difficult existence within the societal framework we all actually need to live in. It's a life I'm surprisingly well wired for, but that society isn't. So I start to feel very one note and unaccomplished, lacking in certain life experiences - the cost of so much time and energy put into one place that is actually so many places with necessary nooks and crannies and that sucks way more energy than you'd ever expect from the outside. Especially since starting Flying V, I've lost my role as the primary social organizer for my friends that I used to be. That energy has gone to the maintenance of the company. Maybe not surprisingly, I also looked up one day and realized I don't have a core group of friends anymore. I have a lot of friends, but we're not really a group. Not the way it was in high school. Not the way it was in college. Things have splintered a bit into more component parts. Because I used to give maintenance to that, and now I don't. I miss it, having that group, and while my company offers many things, it doesn't filll that need. It's been a trade.
I've said that in the past few years I haven't made memories so much as I've created a resume. I wanted to see where this time has actually been spent. So here is a comprehensive list, to the best of my memory, of every show I've been creatively involved with over the last 15 years. It comes out to an average of just under 5 shows a year since I was 12. I don't know if this is impressive or unimpressive. I'm not looking for achievement or validation. I'm not even looking for deep meaning right now.
I just wanted to see for myself a record of where all my time and energy has been invested. What is my body of work in my chosen field as of the almost end of 2012? What have I actually done with this desire?
This list.
Chess (The Arbiter) - STAY
Grease (Roger) - STAY
Into The Woods Jr. (The Baker) - JCCGW
Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat (Pharoah) - STAY
Barnum (Barnum) - STAY
Our Town (The Stage Manager) - JDS
Brigadoon (Tommy) - JDS
You Can't Take It With You (Paul) - JDS
Fur Better or Worse (Director) - JDS
Grease (Danny) - Wootton
A Cinderella Waltz (Assistant Director) - Wootton
God Doesn't Live Here Anymore* (Hiro) - UMD Off Center
[they fight] (Robber) - UMD Off Center
Mother Hicks (Jake) - UMD Off Center
The Real Inspector Hound (Magnus) - UMD Off Center
Betty's Summer Vacation (Buck) - Weekday Players
The Crucible (Giles Corey) - UMD
God of Vengeance (Director) - WDP
2006 UMD 24 Hour Play Festival (Director) - UMD
2007 UMD 24 Hour Play Festival (Director) - UMD
Machinal (Husband) - UMD
Closer (Director) - WDP
Not Enough Lifetimes* (Ian) - UMD / August Wilson Festival
The Physicists (Einstein) - UMD
Picasso at the Lapin Agile (Director) - UMD
The Price of Perfection (Nerd/Doctor/Darwin) - eXtreme eXchange
Keepers of Shoppe* (Ronald) - UMD Off Center
The Gingerbread House* (Stage Directions) - NNPN New Play Festival
Filthy Rich (Henry "The Pig" Duvall) - UMD
Marisol (Homeless Man) - UMD
The Inescapable Us (Producer / Writer) - WDP
2008 Source Festival 24 Hour Play Festival (Actor) - Source Festival
Nixon's Nixon (Assistant Director) - Round House
This Digital Life (Adam) - Truffle Pigs / Capital Fringe
The Naked Party (Writer/Director) - The HeartBreak Kids / Capital Fringe
Please Listen: A Musical Chaos (Dramaturg)
Macbeth (Assistant to the Assistant Director) - The Folger
If You Give A Mouse A Cookie (Assistant Director) - Adventure Theatre
Proof (Hal) - Rockville Little Theatre
The True History of Coca Cola in Mexico (Assistant Director) - GALA
The Seagull on 16th Street (Assistant Director) - Theater J
If You Give A Pig a Pancake (Assistant Director) - Adventure Theatre
Gary Newman to the Max (Writer) - Woolly Mammoth / Bethesda Play in a Day
Foolish Fire* (Chris) - Active Cultures
Another Fall For The Fallen* (Professor) - Playwright's Forum
3 Scenes From The Life Of A Writer* (Director) - Playwright's Forum
If You Give A Cat A Cupcake (Assistant Director) - Adventure Theatre
Twas The Night Before Christmas (Assistant Director) - Adventure Theatre
Amenities (Director) - Source Festival
Become What You Are (Director / Producer) - Flying V
Monkey See, Monkey Do (Director) - Flying V / Bethesda Play in a Day
Science Fiction Double Feature (Producer) - Flying V
An Ordinary Afternoon* (Director) - Doorway Arts Ensemble
Spacebar: A Broadway Play By Kyle Sugarman (Director) - Source Festival
Incurable (Producer) - Flying V / Wayward Theatre
Tough! (Director) - Flying V
Toobin' (Director) - Flying V / Bethesda Play in a Day
The Stolen Diamond (Director) - Rorschach
Iron City (Director) - Forum Theatre
The Pirate Laureate of Port Town* (Director) - American Ensemble Theatre
Me and the Devil Blues (Director) - Flying V
Elizabeth at the Tea Party (Director) - Flying V / Manhattan Repertory Theatre
Staring at the Sun (Director) - Flying V
* - Staged Reading
71 shows so far, as a Director, Actor, Producer, or Dramaturg in varying degrees.
I hope that I'm better at what I do now than when I started, that my colleagues have enjoyed working with me and respect me as I do them, that audiences have left performances I've helped create wanting to live life more fully or maybe once inject that play into their veins, that I always stay a student of my craft, that my name is some kind of assurance of process or product and not in a negative way, that the quality of what I do is more important than the quantity, and that I am better at what I do the next show than the last.
And that I find better a balance in my life as I pursue a mastery of my craft.
I wonder if I can do something else, in addition, not instead, and feel more full.
And I wonder if I can't.
I've lost entire music collections several times in my life. The first was in camp, when I forgot two CD binders and never saw them again. I have all the songs I downloaded off Napster back in high school on a computer at my parents' house - but the computer is so old it doesn't have a usb port or the power to access the internet (only a zip drive). Most recently I suffered the one/two punch of accidentally deleting my DC++ program, which had the unexpected side effect of deleting all the files stored in my DC++ library, and then that hard drive completely crashed (losing the i-tunes library too). My old Ipod was waterlogged in a flash flood. My current music collection is probably the least representative of me that it has ever been - mainly just whatever was interesting out of Max Nova's collection.
I haven't taken the time to replace it. Maybe because it feels like too much work to deal with the heartbreak of losing it all again (the DC++ library loss in particular kind of broke me). Maybe because Spotify, Pandora, and You Tube have made it so that I can listen to pretty much anything I want anyways. Largely because, and I'm not happy about this, I've become the sort of person who just lives in whatever situation I'm in whether it makes me happy or not because it's easy to just be complacent. Because music is less a substantial part of my life than it used to be.
Or maybe music is just less a part of me because I have gotten complacent with all of the above.
Regardless, even a few years ago I used to be a huge music collector and listener, especially during my DJ days. Songs have an incredible power to transport me back to a specific place and time, and as weird as this may sound, sometimes when those songs get lost into the ether so do my memories. So I was pretty stoked a few months ago that when I finally cleaned my car (which is needing round 2 soon) I also found two binders full of CDs. These were my B and C list binders, so most of my favorite full albums are gone. But they were filled with old mixes that had been saved - some I made, others that were made for me. The oldest are probably "Radio Cures" by Zia Hassan, given to me during my senior year at Wootton and which I've been rediscovering lately (Highlight Track: Sponge - Molly) and the "Akbar Health Mix" given to me by Akbar Vaiya in senior year health class, also at Wootton, and was my first exposure to Coheed & Cambria (Highlight Track: Mad at Gravity - Walk Away, because that song is now inextricably linked to this mix and I still remember it).
The oldest I had made?
"The TRUE Alternative"
Which is A). A rather presumptuous title.
and B). A reference to 99.1 WHFS, which was still going strong, and meant to be a general overview of what I was listening to at the time (which was very HFS influenced, I'm sure).
I know this mix was made in 2004 because I was living with Jacob Cunningham and his mom at the time, during the period after I got back from the Ranch and before I started at Maryland. I got home in December of 2003 and started UMD in fall of '04. I was only at Jacob's for a maximum of 7 months because I spent at least a month at Elan's when I returned. It's crazy to me that I was only there for such a short time when that period is packed with memories. And I know that this mix was made then because I have the clearest memory of a night when Jacob's most recent ex-girlfriend of the time invited herself over for dinner - telling Jacob his mom invited her, and his mom that Jacob invited her. Neither did. They stood in the kitchen, the three of them, not talking, the most awkward dinner ever being made. And so to help lighten the mood I remember playing this album on the DVD player in the living room, running around singing "Irish Blood, English Heart" at the top of my lungs like a lunatic, all in the name of somehow keeping the peace.
I have no idea what I was hoping to accomplish.
This mix was made well before the refinement (ha!) of my musical taste in college, but definitely after my initial set of tastes had been set by the blend of Much Music in Canada and Jacob Mazer in High School. Now that I'm older and a bit snobbier, I thought I'd have 2012 Jason go back and rate the longevity quality of 2004 Jason's premiere mix and see how 2004 Jason's taste stands up to todays standards.
Track 1. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Art Star
This is a super quirky choice for an opener, and a totally unexpected surprise. I would never have remembered this song if it wasn't for this mix. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs were just breaking big then with Maps, but this is from an earlier album. I know that Andrew Stiles recommended it to me and is directly responsible for it being on the CD, so that's a nice little connection this song has. It totally holds up, and I may even like it more now than I used to since I'm slightly more accepting of screaming than I used to be. It's a little slight, but I'm happy to see this mix start off with something that wasn't from the radio. Maybe I had a little more musical depth at the time than I give myself credit for.
BEST LYRIC: "I've been working on a piece that screams of sex and desperation. I've been screwing on the tracks of abandoned train stations."
RATING: A-
Track 2. The Von Bondies - C'mon C'mon
The Von Bondies are a perfect band to ride around singing to in the car, and their most recent single made my 2010/2011 equivalent mix, so it's kind of fun to see they haven't changed a bit. Catchy, straight ahead alt-rock. This is a fun song - reminiscent of the time and yet not completely dated. It was also the theme song to Rescue Me, and I binged on the first 4.5 seasons of that show, so that's another little connection that adds some resonance. This is not going to win any "most profound song ever" contests, but for a 2004 driving mix this is a solid choice that I still enjoy. Well played so far, Jason.
BEST LYRIC: "With my teeth bite down I can see the blood of a thousand men who have come and gone. Now we grieve 'cause now its gone. Things were good when we were young."
RATING: A-
Track 3. The Killers - Somebody Told Me
Oh man. I don't know what happened to their music after, but The Killers' first album is a total jam. I absolutely loved Hot Fuss. It was the kind of album that made me visualize images and ideas listening to the songs - ideas that turned into concepts for graphic novels and theater pieces, none of which made it to life. But that's the kind of music I like, the kind that inspires ideas. Hot Fuss is this weird noir New Wave with a murder mystery sub plot that is weaved into it but never resolved because they didn't include the third song of the trio.
This mix was made before I heard the whole album, and I know this because the first time I ever heard Mr. Brightside I sat dumbfounded in my apartment, replaying that song over and over obsessed with how someone had written Killing Me, only so much better, down to some of the same lyrics. I first heard Somebody Told Me playing over a speaker at HFStival and on only one or two listens it was a complete ear worm that I knew would be a hit. It has my favorite rhyme in English (Maybe, Baby), and is just a catchy catchy song. The version on this mix is clearly some kind of demo and not the released album version.
I still dig singing to this song.
BEST LYRIC: "Pace yourself for me. I said maybe, baby, please."
RATING: A
Track 4. Ash - Orpheus
The first mis-step of the collection, but not a huge one. After seeing an amazing set by Ash at 9:30 Club (opening for Saves The Day) and being completely into Free All Angels, I was ready and primed to want to love everything Ash put out. Unfortunately I just never dug Orpheus the way I wanted to, and in '04 I was pushing it. It's not a bad song, and catchy enough, but it's pretty middle of the road. Definitely the first song so far I'd skip on an impatient day. Vampire Love became my stand out track off of Meltdown and I still rock that one out occasionally (and it would probably get a higher rating), but I'm happy that the first song I'm not super into is still a fairly obscure one and not a truly bad or mediocre radio hit.
BEST LYRICS: "And every day I think about her, but if I look back I'm gonna turn to stone."
RATING: B-
Track 5. Black Eyes - Some Boys
Now this song is awesome - good job Jason '04. Black Eyes are a now defunct DC band, and the only show of theirs I ever saw was also their last one. They passed out the drums to the audience to play, we rushed the stage and turned it into a giant dance party. It was an event. This is still the only song of theirs I really know well, but it's fantastic. Evocative lyrics that are at turns hot and dirty or uncomfortable and distancing. Strange melodies and a slightly unsettling time signature. Sing along moments and yet also atonal, and it's so angry without fervor. Music like this makes me proud of DC. Best track on the collection so far, and shows how into the D-Scene my friends were all throughout High School. We grew up on basement shows the way other people grew up on beers and house parties. Not only a song that brings me back to a very specific time, but one I still like as much (and maybe appreciate more) today.
BEST LYRICS: "Some boys lie, and some boys pay to stay high." OR "Sweet smoke slides down my throat."
Rating: A+
Track 6. Interpol - PDA
This is a track I like more now than I did then. I remember feeling meh on this song back in the day, and I must have included it because it was new and I was trying it out for the theme. Over the years it's become my my favorite Interpol song (narrowly beating out Evil). It's a solid song that I get excited hearing. It goes on a bit long, and I could see it moving out of favor again if I ever overplay it, but in this moment I'm totally digging it.
Six tracks in and I'm pretty impressed by 2004 Jason's material. Some Boys and PDA could both make a mix I was making today, depending on mood and theme.
BEST LYRICS: "But you're so cute when you're frustrated, dear. Yeah, you're so cute when you're sedated. Oh dear."
RATING: A
Track 7. The Afghan Whigs - My Enemy
There is no band that embodies everything I want out of music more right now than The Afghan Whigs. I saw them in concert the other night and one of the only flaws with the show was waiting all night for this song to be played, only for it not to be. I was that looking forward to it.
I want to inject their music straight into my bloodstream and get high off of it like a drug because I feel like there is still a filter now between the sound and my brain and my heart. The music, the lyrics, the power, pain, lust, sex, and passion all swirl in me and I want to feel it more. I want increase my capacity to feel to better experience this music.
This song was the first song I ever played on WMUC, the very first track I ever played on the radio. It's savage and powerful, with lyrics like biblical poetry about love and betrayal and revenge. It is subtle and in your face at the same time, with everything I want out of rock guitar driving forward.
This song holds up.
I can only find a live version, but the studio track is on the mix. I'm also shocked that I can find a studio version of Black Eyes on You Tube, but not The Whigs.
BEST LYRICS: "I hear the whispers baby, if what they say is true. They say I killed a brother, to fall in love with you."
RATING: A+
Track 8. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Maps
This song was a huge hit, and at the time it really affected me and a lot of other people. Over the years it's lost some of it's power, but not all of it. Sparse and spare, it comes down to one line -
Wait.
They don't love you like I love you.
BEST LYRICS: "Wait. They don't love you like I love you."
RATING: A
Track 9. Finger Eleven - One Thing
Oy. This is embarrassing. This song is... not very good. It's the definition of empty musical calories. Pleasant enough on first listen but that is it. There is no substance. It says nothing - musically or lyrically. It's a joke.
I was into Finger Eleven's first single from before they ever broke into America (First Time) and if that song had made it to the mix I probably would have given it nostalgia credit, and some points for being a genuine "Jason used to like this song" given it's obscurity otherwise. I may even still like it if I heard it again. But this was the definition of mainstream schlock and I hope I only included it out of Canadian loyalty. First major let down of the mix.
Also, the One Thing he's talking about remains a mystery to this day, much like what Meatloaf WON'T do for love. Because you will not find out in this song.
BEST LYRIC: Nothing. This song literally says nothing.
RATING: D
Track 10. The Postal Service - Sleeping In
Man, I totally dug The Postal Service album, and probably don't bust it out enough as background music these days. This was a pleasant surprise because it's not one of the three Postal Service songs that have stayed in the forefront of my consciousness (District Sleeps Alone Tonight, Such Great Heights, Clark Gable) and it's fun to see that something else was high in the rotation at one point. On the one hand I think there is a reason this track didn't stick around in the same way as the others - it doesn't catch me quite as strongly. But it is a perfect example of 2004 Jason surprising 2012 Jason with a nice little track that had otherwise fallen out of view and a reminder to revisit an old album I used to know.
BEST LYRIC: "Last week i had the strangest dream where everything was exactly how it seemed. Where there was never any mystery on who shot John F Kennedy. It was just a man with something to prove. Slightly bored and severely confused. He steadied his rifle with his target in the center, and became famous on that day in November."
RATING: B+
Track 11. Modest Mouse - Float On
This is another perfectly acceptable song by a very good band on an album that I used to spend a lot more time with, but haven't touched in years. Float On has unfortunately become so over played that it's hard to enjoy on it's own merit. It's "that Modest Mouse song everybody knows" more than a song I actually listen to. Eminently listenable, but it feels surprisingly dated for a song that has actually stayed consistently in popular rotation.
BEST LYRIC: "Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with that scam - it was worth it just to learn from sleight-of-hand."
RATING: B
Track 12. Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out
Very similar to Float On, except for some reason I still enjoy it a lot more. It's catchy as all hell and I always think I'm going to skip it and then get hooked in by the opening. Franz Ferdinand was much the same as The Killers in creating a first album that really created images in my head. This isn't my favorite track from the album (either Auf Achse or The Dark of the Matinee) but it makes me want to go back and listen to it because some of those songs are so good. They have this weird sense of being just on the edge of perversion, but ride that line so it's always a little suspect and you wonder if you're the one making things dirty or if they are. The playful sense of sexuality is a fun contrast to Some Boys' bristling and more frustrated take on some of the same subjects. Take Me Out is one of FF's most straight ahead songs, but it's a fine appetizer.
BEST LYRIC: "So if you're lonely, you know I'm here waiting for you."
RATING: B+
Track 13. Muse - Time Is Running Out
We are deep into the "modern rock singles of the day" portion of our mix and a string of bands that I dig, but with song choices that proved to be entry ways into their catalogues and not personal favorites. Still, Muse are a really interesting band and this is far from a bad song. It's a bit more slight than complete face melters like Hysteria or Stockholm Syndrome, and mainly suffers more in comparison that for what it is. Still I remember liking it a lot more even just a few years ago, whereas right now I'm a bit bored with it. Perfectly acceptable song, but an uninspired choice. Maybe in a few years I'll come around again and this will be a nostalgiac blast. For now it's a 50/50 skip song.
BEST LYRIC: "I wanted freedom, bound and restricted. I tried to give you up, but I'm addicted."
RATING: B
Track 14. Switchfoot - Meant To Live
Not good, Jason. Not good.
I know I liked this song more before I knew just how Christian Rock Switchfoot actually are and all those religious undertones became head smackingly overt, but even without that knowledge this is a tremendously mediocre song. It came out when I was at the ranch and wasn't as immediately bad as Trapt - Headstrong or other Nu-Metal junk that was clogging up Alt Rock radio at the time and so I had an affinity for it then, but still, this is a boring song. I'm also at least 3 to 4 months off the ranch at the point this mix is made and was already listening to The Afghan Whigs so I see no excuse.
That intro riff is still pretty fun though, and it goes a long way to disguising the rest of the song I guess.
BEST LYRICS: "Dreaming about Providence and whether mice or men have second tries."
(Best lyric doesn't mean good lyric, neccesarilly)
RATING: C-
Track 15. Lostprophets - Make a Move
I remember being really into this song back in the day, now it's an artifact of the time that doesn't hold up. It's pretty generic. I have memories of really rocking out to this song, but listening now it doesn't have any of the fire I once attributed to it. It's a standard early 2000s radio single. I'm much more likely to enjoy a middle of the road rock song than a mediocre rap or country track because of my general aesthetics, but I won't pretend this is anything more than what it is. It was a pleasant surprise because I forgot about the song, but on listening I have no real emotional attachment. A few extra points for going beyond "first popular single" and just a bit deeper into the album, but honestly Last Train Home probably holds up better.
It's interesting to see what you stay attached to and what you grow past. There are other generic hits that I still love to this day, whereas this is just a memory. Good to be reminded, though.
BEST LYRIC: There's nothing going on here, lyrically.
RATING: B
Track 16. Morrissey - Irish Blood, English Heart
This is it! This is the song! This is what I ran around singing at the top of my lungs like a mad man through Jacob Cunningham's house that fateful Friday afternoon, jumping on couches and screaming in some hairbrained scheme to attract all the attention to myself and away from the profound awkwardness of a meal spiced with rejection and sadness! This is the centerpiece of the collection, the only song (other than My Enemy) that I knew would be on here going in.
Clearly, I'm a fan.
This was actually my introduction to Morrissey, from before I dove headfirst into the Smiths. It's not nearly as hard rocking as I remember in my head, much more a deliberate driving march forward than an all out attack, but it's Morrissey - for him this is like double bass pedals and Adventure Metal. It's also still Bad Ass. His stiff no nonsense delivery, his complete burial of the entire English political structure, grim vigor and determination with a stiff upper lip and boiling blood? All with ssweet guitar riffs?
Yeah, the pace doesn't infuse me with the same level of frenetic passion that the musical equivalent of an X Division match does, but this is a solid technical ground and pound with some heat behind it.
BEST LYRIC: "Irish blood, English heart - this I'm made of. There is no one on earth I'm afraid of."
RATING: A
Track 17. The Cure - Just Like Heaven
I clearly had no idea how to end this mix. Don't get me wrong, Just Like Heaven is a classic and an amazing song, but I can clearly see '04 Jason wanting this mix to end on a sentimental note and putting The Cure at the end without really earning it. For a Hail Mary play it's not a bad call, and I'm pretty sure I've inserted The Cure into the slosing slot a number of times for that very reason, but it sticks out pretty strongly here. This mix is far from a cohesive collection as is (but it has potential), and a different song would have tied things together better.
Still, this is Just Like Heaven - one of the most romantic songs of all time. A major part of Blankets by Craig Thompson, my favorite Graphic Novel ever. I don't ever not enjoy hearing it. This is good stuff. It's just not the right fit here.
BEST LYRIC: "You. Soft and only. You. Lost and lonely. You. Just like heaven."
RATING: A- (for placement)
OVERALL
The first half of this mix is rock solid, and then it goes a bit downhill only to pick up at the very end. But as a time capsule this is a pretty fun and easy listen into what 2004 Jason was digging, and a lot of it holds up. It's a bit mired in "this is what the radio is playing literally right now," but there is the foundation for a solid mix in here. Art Star, Some Boys, PDA, My Enemy, and Irish Blood all go together very well. A different Muse song (probably Hysteria) would be a very welcome addition. Auf Acshe by Franz Ferdinand could go in the second to last spot. Maps should close it out, to bookend with The Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Maybe one or two more tracks, and keep it under 17 songs.
But overall 2004 Jason did pretty well. I can see where I was and where I am now, at least as it relates to mainstream alternative music.
I've known Zia Hassan and Frank Cervarich for ten years now, which is somewhat astonishing. In the decade (DECADE) we've known each other, this past Sunday was the first time the three of us had ever hung out together, just the three of us.
It's a pretty amazing thing to happen after 10 years.
The idea that I've known Frank and Zia for that long kind of astounds me, despite the fact that I've gone through so many significant eras since first meeting them - The Ranch, The Scene, WMUC, UMD Theatre, Apache, DC Theatre, Flying V. They still feel like somewhat new additions to my world, even though they have both been a part of my life longer than most people I know now. I think that's because we met during the Wootton era, a brief but impactful blip on the radar of my life that served as a transition period between the 12 years before at JDS (all I'd known) and The Ranch (the utter disappearance of all I'd known). In the span of about 7 months I went from knowing absolutely no one at this school to becoming a fixture and then suddenly being ripped away. Given how short a time I was at Wootton it is amazing to me how many people I met, how many stories I have, the relationships that I forged then, and how many (large, small, deep, and shallow) are still in play today.
I started at Wootton going into 12th grade, after being pulled from JDS for failing Jewish History the previous year. I was not happy, to say the least. For all that JDS was and wasn't (and it certainly may not have been the best place for young Schlaffy, in retrospect) I was a lifer there, having started in Kindergarten and made my way up through the ranks. After years and years of being one of the freaks and weirdos I finally found myself and and an incredible group of friends in high school - I still consider so many of them at the core of my life, and I'll be the MC at one of their weddings in less than a month. The thought of losing all that, and who I finally was, and starting over was pretty devastating.
Frank actually has the very first Jason Schlafstein Wootton story as on the first day of school I stormed in late to an acting class. Frank has told me he remembers clearly a girl named Elena (for whom social skills was not always a strong point) gently teasing me saying "Way to be late for the first day of school." I apparently glared back at her and monotoned "way to not know I was going to this school until a week ago," and then settled back into my hate.
I became very close friends with Frank, to the point where he felt like a little brother to me that year. We hung out a lot and I amusingly regret that he met me during my full on "do wrestling moves to anything that moves" phase, as he was the brunt of WAY too many submission moves, as well as the time I threw him and his girlfriend in a shower with their clothes on and turned the water on while Andrew Stiles and I wouldn't let them leave.. I once actually smashed a pie in his face at a talent show, the only time I've ever done that and it was an amazing moment I treasure forever, so thanks buddy. I actively avoided what felt like a sure thing New Years Kiss because he and the girl had feelings for each other and I did not want to interfere. They ended up dating, we kissed years later anyways, and that whole thing is a story all it's own.
But my most vivid memory of Frank is a moment he wasn't even there for. I was sitting on the plane to New Mexico, finally looking at the one thing my parents had given me as I was being shipped out of the house - a copy of the Beatles' Rubber Soul. I looked at the track list and saw Norweigan Wood. I remembered Frank doing a pantomime performance of that song in acting class, and I burst into tears.
It's hazy, but I still have a mental picture of him lip synching that song indian style on the stage, and I still think of Frank first when I hear This Bird Has Flown.
We went to college together and saw each other a lot, but didn't hang out as much and weren't as close. I'm really happy that over the last few years we've been making up some of that lost ground. He's a great guy and a good friend.
I met Zia during auditions for Grease, when I walked in as the new kid and promptly got the role of Danny out of nowhere, a role very widely assumed was Zia's to lose. Given that I was some nobody out of nowhere waltzing in to take the lead and upset the natural hierarchy, it would have been real easy for a lot of high school drama kids to hate me. And some did. But even though I know he wasn't happy, and he's told me as much since, Zia was a class act and a super cool guy and I really appreciated it. I definitely looked up to him while I was starting out in Wootton drama. We were never super close that year, but I have a bunch of memories of us watching Homestarrunner on the Chorus Room computer, recording the worst song in existence (Serpentina - Devil) in his basement, and talking music. I still have his "Radio Cures" mix in my car, which was my first real exposure to radiohead, Bjork, Jeff Buckley, Dunan Sheik, Toad the Wet Sprocket, and Jump Little Children.
It would have been very easy for Zia and I to lose touch, but somehow we never did. Our lives kept intersecting in different ways - whether as my go to producer while I was still making music, to a very random surprise when I went to visit my friend Jess as she came home from college. But it took a bit of effort on both our parts also - I've followed his music, he's followed my theatre, I've been impressed with his drive and especially his wedding proposal, he came out to see Devil Blues this summer. Over the course of a decade we've established that some how and in some way our paths will always cross, and I'm really appreciative of that. He's also a great guy, and becoming a better friend now than we were in the past.
I'm not sure the story of Frank and Zia's relationship, and it's not my story to tell. But my guess is that it's similar - waxing and waning over the years, but somehow always there.
Which led us to the other night, where three old friends hung out for the very first time on a beautiful balcony overlooking Silver Spring and Washington DC, talking about art, life, self improvement, relationships, work, and whatever else. It was my favorite night I can remember in quite some time.
So I decided to do something special so I'd have a reason to commemorate it here on this blog, and tried Hookah for the first time (which I have steadfastly avoided in the past). If I was going to try it, I wanted it to be on this night, with these two, with that view. I'll probabbly never do it again, but here it is.
I'm officially in my late twenties. Three years to thirty, assuming I make it that long (life makes no guarantees). A sort of countdown has begun, in my head. I only have three years now. Three years left to do a lot of things. Three years left to try and live to the fullest this ephemeral period of my life I've defined as my youth. A decade where indiscretions are theoretically excused, a decade of experimentation, a decade where we as people work our way from children to this increasingly distant concept of adults.
This list.
For the next three years I have two decidedly different goals, and I can't tell if they work perfectly at odds with or in conjunction with each other.
The first is to wring every last ounce of youth from these three years that I possibly can. To pack them full of fearless mistakes so tremendous I will have stories for the rest of my life. There is an age limit to the social acceptability to certain activities and behaviors and I have been so locked into certain modes and methods that I wonder if the window is already closed but I want those memories, damn it. Strip poker, and sneaking into pools, jumping off shit, or whatever it is - I want it. I feel like, for all I've accomplished, I've spent years spinning my wheels and wasting time.
I'm tired of it.
Bring on the late nights, early mornings, mistakes, regrets, surprisingly wonderful moments of reflection, loud music, bare skin, long roads, clear skies, kisses, drinks, parties, and photographs.
I want it.
Now the second is to grow the fuck up.
It has become clear to me of late that there is rot in my soul. A basic foundation of certain life skills that is just not there, or where it needs to be. I've kept my head in the sand for too long avoiding the problems, because those gaps are tied to terrible shit like my family, or the Ranch. Shame and pain, baby. Deep shame and deep pain.
Doesn't matter.
It's time to change, because it is now or never.
I do not want to feel like this at 50. Mentally, physically, infra structurally. No credit, overweight, alone, with a dirty car, bitter about theatre, whatever it is.
No. I don't want it.
I can see it happening and I. Don't. Want. It.
So step by step, brick by brick, I am and will take these three years to clean the rot and build myself to the man I have always wanted to be. It is going to be incredibly difficult, and to be honest, I don't truly believe there is an end in sight.
Don't care. Stakes are too high.
By thirty I will look at myself in the mirror and be three years closer to the man I want to be, whatever that meeans, because I am just not willing to lose another year.
Better living.
Sink or Swim.
So here is a picture of me jumping off a diving board midnight of my 27th birthday.
It's about damn time.
I haven't looked up the legal definition in awhile, but it's possible (likely) that I'm actually obese. I'm 26 years old (for another two weeks or so) and weigh somewhere between 260 to 280 lbs. I don't have regular access to a scale I trust, so it's hard to be accurate. It doesn't really matter. That is WWE Heavyweight wrestler territory, and I do not have the build of a John Cena. Way more like a TNA era Mick Foley. The point is that I'm a large guy, substantially larger than I should be, and definitely larger than I want to be.
I didn't used to be. Which is funny, because I remember being super self conscious of my weight back in high school. I was convinced I was pretty overweight.
This is what I looked like back in senior year:
I'm the dude.
2012 Jason has NO idea what 2002 Jason was worried about.
This is the most recent photo of me taken:
In this one I'm the fat dude who looks like a 70s hippy.
Wow. THAT is a GUT, my friend. I look at me in that picture and I can only think of the word 'paunch.'
And that I rock vests.
That's a pretty astonishing transformation over the course of a decade. It's not like it 'just happened.' I wasn't caught completely unaware. I've been watching pictures of myself grow girthier and girthier over time. But it honestly just kind of hit me how bad it's really gotten. I'm not 'on my way.' I'm there. I'm extremely unhealthy, and I feel it. I'm disgusted and ashamed when I look profile in the mirror. More importantly my body is in pain all the time, I have a hard time breathing, I have the flexibility of a 58 year old on chemotherapy.
You'd think that would be reason enough to do something about it.
It's not that simple, or you know, I would have already.
When I was on the ranch, I was miserable. I think, honestly, that I was lividly angry as a base state every day for 8 months. And while I didn't go there with any kind of addiction, being in that environment with that kind of misery creates addictions. I think mine became food - because it was out there that I started going out for steak dinners alone as a means of relaxation, instead of as a social occasion. It was out in New Mexico that I started drinking 3 to 6 thirty packs of soda a week (holy shit, right?). While working out in the field every day in the hot sun, doing landscaping and construction work for hours, and socializing on hikes through the mountains, my body didn't seem to notice. But once I got home and stopped working building fences on a daily basis, I put on the pounds quick.
I didn't stop eating.
Because eating feels good, man. It tastes good. It leaves me full. I feel satisfied. And honestly, sadly, not much else makes me feel satisfied. Not consistently. I tend to feel pretty miserable more than I don't. So my day is pretty much scheduled in my head around when I get to eat. That's what gets me excited. More than work, more than social activity. I am counting down to my next meal. Snacks are recreation, even relaxation, and I'm always thirsty. Exercising makes me angry (weird), and honestly my body hurts so much all the time that the idea of using it more just sucks.
It's a problem.
It needs to be solved.
I've made gains in the past. When a doctor told me I was on the brink of diabetes I cut out all carbs and lost 20 lbs in a month. Once I succeeded in the short term, I feel off the wagon and never got back on. A few years ago I started keeping a food journal every day and walking daily too. I hit Halloween and never looked back. I have an all or nothing mentality, and once I screw up one day, it feels totally back to square one in my head. That's just too overwhelming, so hey - lets get lunch.
There are other factors too - financial, time, stress, etc.
But it's killing me. More than one person - friends, family - have now flat out said that my weight is killing me. That may be hyperbole right now, but maybe it's not. I had a stress test the other day - my heart is fine. Awesome. But it won't be forever. My body is telling me I need to change. Short term solutions aren't working. I didn't think I could do it on my own.
So I finally asked for help playing the long game.
My friend, David Pratt, is now acting as my long distance health coach. He's really, really excited about it. I'm still pretty embarrassed and ashamed for even asking - I'm trying to get over that. He had a point once that stuck in my head: "if someone cares enough to want to go out of their way to help you, that's a resource you shouldn't turn down." So I came to him, and explained my goals - weight loss, pain reduction, and increased flexibility. He knows me very well, and he knows fitness. He understands that we have to go really slow given where my body is at. That for me, this is a test of willpower as much as if not more than physical exertion. That specific tasks and goals are going to need to be integrated over a long period of time to develop new habits.
I'm just starting week four. For the last three weeks I've been attempting to drink nothing but water. No other changes - just cutting out the juices, soda, alcohol, etc. Nothing to drink but water for a week. For two weeks I came close, but forgot or chose to ignore it one day mid-week. Thankfully, instead of giving up, I just kept at it for the rest of the week after falling. Last week, I successfully went Sunday to Saturday only drinking water. By Friday I was having intense cravings and my gummy candy consumption was way up in response, but I did it. Three weeks into focusing on my health that doesn't feel like much, but I suppose it's progress.
Every week David and I check in, and every week I have a new task or component. This week is another week of only water. In addition, I bought a pedometer. I'm to check how many steps I've walked every day this week and walk at least one more step than the day before. I'm also keeping a log of everything I eat and where it comes from, so I have a base.
I'm going to use posts on Collected Possibilities to help keep myself accountable, and to update on my progress with #20 as David and I do our weekly check ins.
Perhaps you're not aware of Barney Stinson, Neil Patrick Harris' (the greatest entertainer of our generation) character on How I Met Your Mother.
He wears suits. He plays laser tag.
He is an idol to millions.
Let me show you.
+
=
Be Jealous.
In homage to Barney (and because it's awesome) Christian, Patrick Lord, and I went to XP Laser Sport in Laurel, MD to engage in some good old fashioned laser tag dressed to the nines. Patrick looked ready for a Jazz Club, Sully looked like a secret agent, and I looked like I was ready for a Bar-Mitzvah. The walls were lined with bad arcade games and memorobilia dedicated to past laser tag champions. Looking at the past stars of our sport I knew we could not compare with the skills of Greyskull or Deathwolf or CyberMcSweeney or whatever their names were. But we weren't just here for Laser Tag.
We were here for Blazer Tag.
We played two 15 minute sessions, and unfortunately our team lost both times. This due to an army of small children on the opposing team who clearly don't yet understand how to properly respect their elders by not creaming them in laser tag. Barnacle (or Patrick) was our team leader in points both games. He's a vet, so that's to be expected. In college he used to have an annual laser tag in suits competition every Valentines day. I did, however, tag one dude 118 times in one game. Even I feel that's excessive.
Sorry, seven year old.
Highlights definitely included the little kid who kept yelling "Superman!" everytime he nailed someone. I love that kid.
There was also a little guy who would walk up saying "I'm on your team!" whenever we were in spy mode (we played spy mode, yo), and was shocked that Christian picked up on it after the third time and shot him. This happened every time. There was also the 'Get Back' dude, who kept telling us to "get back", gun drawn, like we were in the wild west and he was protecting his trailmates crossing the creek. Everyone was legitimately impressed by our suits. We received many compliments. I think we even inspired the next generation.
It was awesome.
By the end we were DRENCHED in sweat. It doesn't look so bad in this picture until you see the one ring of dry cloth around my collar and realize what color the shirt is supposed to be.
Yeah, gross level sweat.
A hard fought battle over, we immediately strode next door to Hooters, walking in like conquering heros. Because if there was any doubt, let me put it to rest - being covered head to toe in sweat, wearing your sunday best, having just rocked laser tag and sitting at Hooters ordering a Dreamsicle is the classiest Friday night you can have.
A few nights ago I met up with my Flying V Managing Director Jon Rubin and his girlfriend Hannah to move forward on #221 - Watching all 100 of the AFI Greatest 100 Movies of All Time. After some deliberation we've decided, and this is a change, that I'm going to watch all the movies on both the original list and the 2008 update, as there have been people making strong cases for both list to be the definitive one. Hannah is a major cinephile with a pretty extensive collection of films, and we were able to amass a pretty substantial pile of AFI movies I haven't seen yet. We decided that evening's film by way of a Movie Draft.
THE POWER OF THE DRAFT
The Movie Draft is a long-standing tradition in these parts, a bond of honor among participants, a low cost battle for pride and entertainment. In most cases each participant picks three movies out of a larger collection to submit to the draft itself. After all these movies are entered, three rounds commence in which everyone takes out a movie they don't want to watch that night. Finally one film remains which, theoretically, no one did not want to watch. This film is the main event for the evening, and it is a solemn bond and promise that once a draft starts ALL participants will stay through to watch the film in its entirety, no matter what it is. It's a matter of great personal pride to win a draft, and I've heard of a number of drafts that have become host to intense political maneuvering and rivalries. Unlikely winners have forced themselves on large crowds of unsuspecting men and women.
Choose carefully, and remember to play the movies just as much as your opponents.
This draft was somewhat different, as we included every available option from the AFI list I had not seen, rather than personally choosing entrants. The field was a strong one, including Fargo, 12 Angry Men, and Some Like It Hot. The draft is a powerful thing, though, and the sole survivor ended up as Easy Rider.
I can honestly say, based on the moods and expectations of the crowd that night, that I sincerely doubt Easy Rider would have been the winner if ANY one of us understood how different the actual film was compared to the vision in our heads.
That's the power of the draft, baby.
WHAT A WEIRD MOVIE
I'm not nearly as sophisticated a film-goer as I am to when it comes to Theater, Comics, and Professional Wrestling - where my knowledge is extensive and my tastes run from the mainstream to the fringe, experimental, and independent. But similar to my love of Music, I think my appreciation and understanding of the art is at least a bit wider than simply the mainstream - deeply rooted in the popular culture but with a strong appreciation and knowledge of certain out of the way niches. Maybe I'm not nearly as developed a viewer as I'd like to imagine myself to be, though, because this film left me in a bit of a daze. While there were a number of strong moments that made an impression, it never felt like more than the sum of it's parts. I spent most of the first half waiting for 'something to happen.' Then things did happen, in violent and high speed fashion, but I still didn't really care. I just never got invested. It was a lot of style but maybe, or especially, compared to my expectations it left me a bit cold.
It's a weird, weird film, man.
MAN, WE ALL STILL SUCK
The most powerful lesson from the film is that now, some 50 years later, so little has changed. Ugh. Maybe dumb rednecks don't shoot Hippies in the street anymore (or maybe they do and we just hear about it less), but the spirit that 'different is sub-human' still exists every time there is a gay beating in Columbia Heights or a radio show host berates a woman for wanting birth control, or now ESPECIALLY people blaming Hoodies for murders. Maybe America was once a great country, like Jack Nicholson says in the film, but man has that promise been squandered in so many ways. I appreciate that we have it better than a lot of places, and we do, but as a culture we make so many excuses for some many backwards philosophies it leaves me extraordinarily aggravated.
The targets may be different but the hate is the same.
PETER FONDA
Dude is a good looking man. Just sayin'.
SOUNDTRACK
This is one of the first movies to incorporate a soundtrack of pre-existing recordings rather than a dedicated original score, and in that arena it's a big success. The music adds substantially to the film, and particularly by way of it's placement. I was listening to the soundtrack on it's own while writing part of this post and was much less impressed. In conjunction with the film, though, it rocked.
THE BROWN BUNNY
The Brown Bunny is a truly horrendous film I watched several years ago, and while it still sucks, having seen Easy Rider I now understand what it was trying to do a LOT better. Providing even a bit of closure to the Brown Bunny experience is what I'm really going to take away most from Easy Rider.
The Brown Bunny is a film by Writer/Director/Actor/Narcissist Vincent Gallo which famously includes a scene where Chloe Sevigny performs genuine tongue on penis oral sex on Gallo on camera. He stars in, wrote, and directed the film, and gets head from Sevigny on film in what I have to assume is the ultimate Artiste power trip. Good work if you can get it, I guess.
Somewhat, and maybe only somewhat, less notoriously The Brown Bunny is the story of an interminable road trip taken by Gallo's motorcycle riding character across the country (the similarities begin here) to potentially meet up with a woman named Daisy. For MORE THAN AN HOUR we have loooooooong shots of Gallo riding a motorbike in circles on a track, or in a car, or shaving if I remember correctly. Occasionally a song plays. Genuinely - NOTHING HAPPENS. I mean it. Nothing. There are three scenes in the first 2/3 of this movie with any dialogue, plot movement, anything, in which he meets three other woman with flower names. One, he almost takes with him. That scene, when it happens, feels fucking monumental because it is A) more than a minute or two minutes long (maybe - time becomes fuzzy during Brown Bunny, like being caught in a black hole in slow motion while also waiting for a blow job) and B) Something almost, sort of happens. These three scenes combined make up maybe ten minutes out of over 60 minutes of footage. Maybe longer.
It is excruciating.
Then, at the end, you're suddenly blind sided by the most intense thirty minutes of film, maybe ever. Gallo meets up with Daisy (Sevigny) and gets his onscreen blowjob, all the while crying and screaming and ranting bloody murder at her for leaving him and fucking some other dude, while aggressively pushing her head down as she sucks him off. It is really, really intense and primal stuff. Then after he talks about how she fucked these other dudes at a party, she reveals the truth - he walked in on her being horifically gang raped and left her there, rather than DO ANYTHING. We see this gang rape in pretty precise detail too. He finally realizes what a terrible, terrible person he's been only to discover that she DIED FROM THE RAPE and he has been blown by a ghost figment.
Then he heads out and starts driving again.
Long shot.
Holy Shit.
I may have gotten some of these details wrong as I'm going from memory based on watching this once about four years ago, but it has been indelibly scratched into my mind since. Those last 30 minutes are some of the rawest, most primal and savage moments I have EVER seen on film, and it comes after you have been bludgeoned into a semi-conscious near comatose state from watching the filmic equivalent of paint drying. We are talking 0 to 60 in the span of time it gets for Gallo to get an erection and have a breakdown and man, it's quick.
Honestly, describing it, it sounds kind of brilliant in its own mind fuck way - only you, as the viewer, are the one getting fucked. Chloe Sevigny too, I guess, and watching this movie did feel somewhat like Gallo tricked me into sucking his metaphorical director cock as well. At the end of a different movie that on camera blowjob could have even been earned, it's that powerful an image juxtaposed with his verbal diatribe. The rape scene is one of the most brutal and horrific reveals ever, and if it had been the culmination of some kind of journey then maybe this extraordinary vision of cruelty from all sides could have been something more than a shocking horror story. But it's not. It's 30 minutes of Avant Garde Torture Porn, only the porn is real, and the torture is not fantastical at all, and the setup was a meandering medley of 'The Road.'
It is a really terrible film.
But now, after watching Easy Rider, I see what he was trying to do, or emulate, or at least the inspiration. Because from a formal perspective, Brown Bunny is like Easy Rider on horse steroids. It's so clearly trying to be the Easy Rider of a MUCH more cynical generation filtered through both a desire to be 'indie' for the sake of being so and a clear narcissist at the helm. As we already know, Easy Rider is not all that optimistic a movie to start. It's a pretty strong condemnation of America. Maybe Brown Bunny is trying to be a condemnation of humanity in its entirety. In that respect, it may succeed admirably.
There is that same sense of 'when is something going to happen?' that Easy Rider pulls off much more charmingly. The same cross country journey, with a focus on 'The Road' as a place of its own. Long shots of riding with music playing. Really heavy shit just kind of exploding out of the landscape. Even Daisy as an imaginary figment can track back to the Easy Rider acid trip scene. But what Easy Rider tries for, I'm not sure it even succeeds in. Brown Bunny takes out everything that takes Easy Rider watchable or enjoyable (a likable protagonist with a moral center, really interesting supporting performances, some nice little character moments) and replaces them with the unending stylistic quirks that makes ER such an odd little piece of cinema, and nothing but Gallo.
As failed an attempt as it is, I finally understand the actual cinematic basis behind The Brown Bunny - a mystery I never knew I needed to solve.
When I started this blog close to a year ago I had just been dumped by my longtime girlfriend, and I was looking to do something that justified my spending a lot of time hanging out with my friends, doing cool stuff, and creating opportunities to expand and challenge myself despite being very very sad. What's funny, and not in a "ha ha" way, is that I felt (and still feel!) like I had to create some large scale project that justified spending my time that way, as though just doing fun stuff couldn't or shouldn't compete in priority with work, career ambition, or sitting in bed for hours refreshing internet browsers. In order to feel like I wasn't wasting my time on something inconsequential it needed to be something with consequence. And so Collected Possibilities became a reality - part writing exercise and prompt, part social activity, part self improvement quest, and all designed to make me feel a lot better in a bad place.
And it did! At a time when my relationship was gone and my passion for theater was just starting to fray, working on the 300 was the most fun several weeks I've spent in recent memory, aside from the sadness of missing Kelly. It was a very positive way of dealing with that sadness, and that sadness really was the fuel that fired this blog. I haven't gone back to re-read Chapter 1, as it were, but from what I remember there were two or three major narrative strands that emerged over that first set of posts. One was my deep friendship with Christian Sullivan, my most consistent cohort on my adventures, and how lucky I was and am to have someone like him by my side on the good days and bad. The second was a story about a guy dealing with a pretty hard breakup in a unique way, and if you can read between the lines, getting back together with her after several months of growth on both ends.
That's right. We got back together, and after several rough months, we're at a better place than I can ever remember us being. I love her, she loves me, and we're a lot better at this whole 'being a team' thing.
That's a pretty great story!
Unfortunately, the casualty was this blog. And not only this blog, but the entire endeavor of the 300 before 30. Like Christian correctly predicted would happen, and tried to make me promise wouldn't, once Kel and I got back together the fuel went out of the fire and in pretty short order I stopped doing any of this. Once I wasn't actively sad, the idea of spending so much time trying to be happy just felt masturbatory. I was almost embarrassed to spend my time on writing this instead of creating art. I had more important things to focus on.
Quickly I went back to being hyper-focused on my career and that previous fraying led to burn out, and now here I am - in the biggest personal rut that I can remember. I'm totally burned out, and for the first time ever have no access to my passion or creativity. I'm in poor financial shape, terribly overweight and unhealthy, and suffering from the same level of procrastination that I used to in high school. That ended with me being kicked out of my house and getting a GED instead of graduating, so I'm not eager to repeat the journey. And with theater, my mistress of the last 8 years, no longer providing almost any kick, I need something new.
I started thinking about this blog.
I thought about the tagline at the top - "300 Adventures in Search of a Better Life."
That's pretty significant.
More significant than I've given credit in the past.
To live a better life.
Why is that not THE most important thing I'm doing at all times?
Why the embarrassment? Why the feeling of wasting time? Where has my tremendous ambition truly gotten me? I've accomplished a lot, I'm not denying that, but I am so far from where I want to be, and I'm starting to understand that to move to the next level I need to focus my attention in other areas while I recharge. A better foundation. So I'm going to own this challenge, and commit fully to accomplishing a better life one Adventure at a time.
For the immediate future Collected Possibilities is, if not my number one priority, then at least high up there. Maybe it's not the artistic project I've thought I should be working on, but I hope that both personally and for an audience it will turn out to be rewarding. And I very much hope that you'll join me in a few different ways:
By reading, or sharing this blog with others who may enjoy.
By picking one or many of these Adventures to join me on.
By suggesting new ideas to add or replace to the list. It is still a fluid thing.
By creating your own 300 list. There is nothing I'd love more than a number of people, each with their own set of challenges, that I can join you on - so that there is a whole community of people undertaking Adventures and chronicling them. It has helped me in hard times and I imagine it can help you as well. Let me know if you want help getting started.
A FEW HOUSE-KEEPING NOTES
You may notice that there are more than 300 things on the list right now. That's for a few reasons. A number of the challenges involve hooking up or sexual activities with different kinds of people. I'm, uh, kinda with someone at the moment, and I have no intention of breaking up with her anytime soon. So I have some alternates to do without removing the sex/dating stuff from the list. I'm also still replacing certain things, and the 300 page is a useful place to keep track of things. Finally, while there is a purity to the 300 as a set number (and one I respect) I also like the idea of a growing list of cool things. I think it will settle to a solid 300, but I want the best list, not the now list.
I got rid of "Review Every Comic Book You Own." After doing three I realized what a TREMENDOUSLY unrewarding burden that would be, and since it was my own suggestion I felt very comfortable removing it. I now have Heroic Endeavours for that kind of writing, and I encourage you to check it out if you want even more on Comics and Pro-Wrestling than you are likely to find here.
There are several catch up posts that will be coming up over the next few days that chronicle activities that happened over the last 6 months or so. So be on the lookout for those, and from there I'll start with new ones again.
