#20. Weigh Under 200 lbs - Part 1

So...

I'm fat.

I haven't looked up the legal definition in awhile, but it's possible (likely) that I'm actually obese. I'm 26 years old (for another two weeks or so) and weigh somewhere between 260 to 280 lbs. I don't have regular access to a scale I trust, so it's hard to be accurate. It doesn't really matter. That is WWE Heavyweight wrestler territory, and I do not have the build of a John Cena. Way more like a TNA era Mick Foley. The point is that I'm a large guy, substantially larger than I should be, and definitely larger than I want to be.

I didn't used to be. Which is funny, because I remember being super self conscious of my weight back in high school. I was convinced I was pretty overweight.

This is what I looked like back in senior year:

I'm the dude.

2012 Jason has NO idea what 2002 Jason was worried about.

This is the most recent photo of me taken:

In this one I'm the fat dude who looks like a 70s hippy.

Wow. THAT is a GUT, my friend. I look at me in that picture and I can only think of the word 'paunch.'

And that I rock vests. 

That's a pretty astonishing transformation over the course of a decade. It's not like it 'just happened.' I wasn't caught completely unaware. I've been watching pictures of myself grow girthier and girthier over time. But it honestly just kind of hit me how bad it's really gotten. I'm not 'on my way.' I'm there. I'm extremely unhealthy, and I feel it. I'm disgusted and ashamed when I look profile in the mirror. More importantly my body is in pain all the time, I have a hard time breathing, I have the flexibility of a 58 year old on chemotherapy.

You'd think that would be reason enough to do something about it.

It's not that simple, or you know, I would have already.

When I was on the ranch, I was miserable. I think, honestly, that I was lividly angry as a base state every day for 8 months. And while I didn't go there with any kind of addiction, being in that environment with that kind of misery creates addictions. I think mine became food - because it was out there that I started going out for steak dinners alone as a means of relaxation, instead of as a social occasion. It was out in New Mexico that I started drinking 3 to 6 thirty packs of soda a week (holy shit, right?). While working out in the field every day in the hot sun, doing landscaping and construction work for hours, and socializing on hikes through the mountains, my body didn't seem to notice. But once I got home and stopped working building fences on a daily basis, I put on the pounds quick.

I didn't stop eating.

Because eating feels good, man. It tastes good. It leaves me full.
I feel satisfied.
And honestly, sadly, not much else makes me feel satisfied. Not consistently. I tend to feel pretty miserable more than I don't. So my day is pretty much scheduled in my head around when I get to eat. That's what gets me excited. More than work, more than social activity. I am counting down to my next meal. Snacks are recreation, even relaxation, and I'm always thirsty. Exercising makes me angry (weird), and honestly my body hurts so much all the time that the idea of using it more just sucks.

It's a problem.

It needs to be solved.

I've made gains in the past. When a doctor told me I was on the brink of diabetes I cut out all carbs and lost 20 lbs in a month. Once I succeeded in the short term, I feel off the wagon and never got back on. A few years ago I started keeping a food journal every day and walking daily too. I hit Halloween and never looked back. I have an all or nothing mentality, and once I screw up one day, it feels totally back to square one in my head. That's just too overwhelming, so hey - lets get lunch.

There are other factors too - financial, time, stress, etc.

But it's killing me. More than one person - friends, family - have now flat out said that my weight is killing me. That may be hyperbole right now, but maybe it's not. I had a stress test the other day - my heart is fine. Awesome. But it won't be forever. My body is telling me I need to change. Short term solutions aren't working. I didn't think I could do it on my own. 

So I finally asked for help playing the long game.

My friend, David Pratt, is now acting as my long distance health coach. He's really, really excited about it. I'm still pretty embarrassed and ashamed for even asking - I'm trying to get over that. He had a point once that stuck in my head: "if someone cares enough to want to go out of their way to help you, that's a resource you shouldn't turn down." So I came to him, and explained my goals - weight loss, pain reduction, and increased flexibility. He knows me very well, and he knows fitness. He understands that we have to go really slow given where my body is at. That for me, this is a test of willpower as much as if not more than physical exertion. That specific tasks and goals are going to need to be integrated over a long period of time to develop new habits.

I'm just starting week four. For the last three weeks I've been attempting to drink nothing but water. No other changes - just cutting out the juices, soda, alcohol, etc. Nothing to drink but water for a week. For two weeks I came close, but forgot or chose to ignore it one day mid-week. Thankfully, instead of giving up, I just kept at it for the rest of the week after falling. Last week, I successfully went Sunday to Saturday only drinking water. By Friday I was having intense cravings and my gummy candy consumption was way up in response, but I did it. Three weeks into focusing on my health that doesn't feel like much, but I suppose it's progress.

Every week David and I check in, and every week I have a new task or component. This week is another week of only water. In addition, I bought a pedometer. I'm to check how many steps I've walked every day this week and walk at least one more step than the day before. I'm also keeping a log of everything I eat and where it comes from, so I have a base.

I'm going to use posts on Collected Possibilities to help keep myself accountable, and to update on my progress with #20 as David and I do our weekly check ins.

By 30, I want to weigh under 200 lbs.

We've got three years.