#283. Do the 30 Day Song Challenge - Day 8

Day 8 - A Song That You Know All The Words To

In honor of being out here in Chicago for the wedding of my friend Daniel Strauss -

Spoont. - Everything a Teenybopper Movie Should Be

Back in High School my life was spent going to and playing basement shows and unitarian churches and Fort Reno and the Corner Kick. I can't imagine any other way to spend growing up than everyone I know being in a band and making music together and dancing all the time. It was awesome.

Spoont. was made up of some of my best friends. And regardless from that, I was their biggest fan and they were my favorite of all the local bands. Daniel Strauss, Jacob Mazer, Andy Freedman, and Ali Plotsky made music that I loved. That's pretty awesome when your friends make music you are a fan of by itself. I think Dan and Jacob are incredible songwriters and the chords and lyrics to this song brings me back to another time - but are still meaningful to me now. Spoont. is the band I want go back in time and be a part of.

And Teenybopper (along with Julia) was my favorite.

I can sing every word to Teenybopper, and it's my favorite song title of all time. The title is evocative of wanting our reality in our fantasy. The song is a back on forth of possibility and defeat, optimism and letting go.

And no one ever nailed it better than

I can't make these brain cells go much faster anymore.

I get that.

I will see all four of them this weekend, and you can rest assured I'll be singing this song out the car window on the 11 hour drive back to DC, with guitar chords blaring in my head.

put me to sleep

I do not believe in god.
I do not believe in fate.
I don’t believe in a lot of things.
But I have faith that I will know when I am in love and someone loves me.

Sometimes that is something I believe.

I have someone sometimes who I want all the time.
She’s asleep.

When she wakes up I don’t know if she’ll love me.
Some days she does, and some she doesn’t.
Most she doesn’t know.
It isn’t easy.

When she wakes up I don’t know if she’ll look at me with a soft smile and lit eyes and say ‘hi’, and gently pull me to her while she nestles back to sleep. I don’t know if she’ll look at me, feel nothing, and only kiss me because in the moment, that’s what’s easy.

I don’t know.
So I go to the bathroom and I throw up. I dry heave my anxiety until my mouth is filled with bile and my chest burns. I look at myself in the mirror, deep into my own eyes and say “no one will ever fight for you like this.”

But when I look at her next to me, sleeping in my bed - my god she’s in my bed.
Her hair is askew and she’s breathing lightly, her lip slightly curled and her skin soft like silk - she is so beautiful. More than my words can ever hope to say or convey. She’s so pretty. She’s so peaceful.
And she is here with me.
Even for one moment, one night, one memory – by her choice, again, she is here with me.
I love this woman like nothing I have known.
And in my heart, half the time in her eyes, I think she loves me.
She’s not sure, but I believe.

I do not believe in God.
But I have my faith.

#283. Do the 30 Day Song Challenge - Day 7

Day 7 -A Song That Reminds You Of A Certain Event

Theater is a very ephemeral art form. It exists for a very brief time in the real world, and then only in the hearts and minds of the participants and audience. Film will last, music will last, writing and poetry and some sculpture all have that potential - but a theatrical performance has a much shorter shelf life as an actual thing. The individual pieces may live on - like the script, a costume, etc. And it may be recorded on video. But that doesn't really capture the experience - it's just not the same medium.

And so your body of work becomes a line on the resume, a series of memories, and hopefully the impact you and your work and the work of your colleagues and team mates have made on an audience and each other.

Closer is one of those shows I am glad I remember vividly and have triggers for.

It is my favorite script, my second show as a director at UMD and for The Weekday Players. It took hard work to make happen after a failed Off-Center bid, the arrogance to say we COULD do this show and to take it on ourselves to just do. It was the moment I knew I could be a director and an Artistic Director someday. I worked with people I love to create the best thing I had done to that point. It was FAR from perfect but it was one of the best times of my life. Hands down.

- Building the set with Christian until 3am, drinking in Tawes.

- Andrew Gerritsen becoming one of my best friends.

- Oren Benamor taking his acting skills to another level in one of the first transcendent actor/character relationships I was privileged to be a part of. A fist wrapped in blood, indeed.

- Brittany, Roni, and Amanda and the joy of working with them and growing with them.

- The strip club scene, with one pool of light and a real cigarette smoking - one of the coolest, sparsest visuals I've seen.

This was my first time I was like - "oh, I can do this."

And the sound design. I loved this soundtrack. Josh Grossnickle and I spent hours and hours going over songs. Only late 80s to Mid-90s british bands. There was a consistent sound and it grounded the piece. The Cure, The Smiths, Radiohead. It was the first time I truly worked to create a world in design as well as acting.

The song that stands out most from so many is

Oasis - Live Forever

From the moment the drums start to snap, it will always make me think of our ephemeral production of Closer. The transition just before the bedroom scene between Roni and Amanda. Roni shirtless, Amanda in T-shirt and undies. Their love and vulnerability. The bed. The slap. "I don't love you anymore, goodbye."

What a great scene, what a great show, and a great group of people.

#221. Watch All of AFI's Top 100 Movies of All Time - Rocky

After our attempt at South Street Steaks, Christian and I came back to regroup over an AFI Top 100 film. Rocky felt appropriate for the day. I've always avoided Rocky thinking I sort of 'knew' what the movie would be like.

I was wrong - what a great film.

I can't say that I'm a fan of anything else Sylvester Stallone has done in his career, but this was really wonderful. His performance was top notch, the writing was hysterical and earned all the cheesy moments I thought WERE the film. It was a very different movie than I expected.

Watching this and Raging Bull so close together was really cool. Both are obviously boxing movies, but more than that, they seem to track men starting at the same place who go in the total opposite directions. Both begin as inner city bums hoping to be contenders, on the wrong side of the law but with a lot of promise. Deniro's character in Bull becomes a significantly worse person over the movie, where even watching his rise is really just watching his fall. Rocky grows as a person, illuminating his goodness and realistic expectations. When given a chance - he rises.

And he has the best conversation with a door you're likely to see on film.

I highly recommend watching with Christian as every time Burgess Meredith comes on screen you'll get a wonderful "Wagh! Wagh! Wagh! Come on Rocky, lets get the Batman! Wagh!"

Highly Recommended.
75 to go.

#204. Keep A Food Log Every Day For Six Months - Week 2

This week was actually a step backwards, I think, aside from just keeping the list.

Gotta double down and make some real changes.

Suggestions welcome.

WEEK 2

SUNDAY 8/7

1pm

Ham Sandwich - Ham, Brie, Honey Mustard, Lettuce, Tomato, French Roll

4-30pm

Frozen Watermelon Margarita

Spinach & Artichoke Dip

Baguette

8-15pm

Hamburger - Beef Pattie, Bleu Cheese, Bun

Pickle Spear

MONDAY 8/8

11-30am

Steam Omelette - Eggs, Lox, onion, tomato

1-45pm

Kung Pao Chicken

Fried Rice

Bottled Water

9pm

Cheeseburger - 1/2 lb Beef Pattie, Pepperjack Cheese, Blue Cheese, Roasted Red Peppers

Chips w/ Dill Dip

Rum/Pineapple/Sprite

TUESDAY 8/9

12-15pm

Strawberry Milk

2pm

Cheeseburger - Beef pattie, cheese, bun, bbq sauce

Cheeseburger - "Beef pattie, cheese, half bun, ketchup, mustard

"

Orange Juice

6-15pm

Shrimp Roll - Shrimp, Split Top Roll

Pickle Spear

Root Beer

WEDNESDAY 8/10

12-15pm

Frankfooter - two hot dogs, baguette, melted cheese blend

11pm

Cheeseburger Bite - Cheeseburger Bite, Bun, Ketchup, Mustard

THURSDAY 8/11

11-30pm

Schwarma Wrap - Thin Sliced Marinated Lamb/Beef Combo, Lettuce, Tomato, Onion, Naan Bread

Rice

Water

FRIDAY 8/12

12-30pm

Pesto Chicken Sandwich - Pesto Chicken Breast, Lettuce, Sun Dried Tomato Spread, Multigrain Flatbread

Cup of New England Clam Chowder

Cracked Pepper Potato Chips

6pm

1/2 a Steak

Cinnamon Almonds

2 Small pieces of Baklava

1/2 a chocolate bar

1 Ice Cream Sandwich

Strawberry Ice Pop

Lemon Lime Seltzer

SATURDAY 8/13

12am

Helenic Delight Burger - Beef Patty, feta, mozzarella, Parmesan, mayo, ciabatta

Cole Slaw

12-45pm

1/2 Mis-Steak Cheesesteak - Steak, Bacon, Pepperoni, Three Cheeses, Onions, French Fries, Sub Roll

8pm

Buffalo Chicken Sandwich - Grilled Chicken Breast, Hot Sauce, Bleu Cheese, Roll

Side Cincinatti Chili with Cheese

#88. Get Your Picture on Three Restaurant Walls - Fail

The day started with such promise. The sun was bright, the weather clear, and Jason Schlafstein and Christian Sullivan both had actual days off. On a weekend.

We had a plan. It was easy. We would go get our picture on a final restaurant wall, recover over an AFI Top 100 movie, and then go eat an obscure animal body part. Cross off three from the list in one day, nice and relaxed like.

So we made our way to South Street Steaks in my old stomping grounds of Quince Orchards to do the Cheesesteak Challenge. Two cheesesteaks? No problem.

When we got there, there were no photos on the wall.

That should have been our first warning.

We were assured that they still did the challenge. Not only would we get our picture on the wall, but a $50 gift card. Awesome.

But it wasn't just eat two cheesesteaks.

It was eat two Mis-steaks.

The Mis-Steak is a giant sandwich filled with steak, pepperoni, bacon, onions, three kinds of cheese, and most disgustingly french fries - all on a bun.

The rules were no bathroom breaks, no throwing up, no sharing, plate clean.

45 minutes.

The guy behind the counter laughed in our face basically. Said we didn't know what we were getting into. We asked did anyone else ever finish it? "Some woman," he said. "She didn't want her picture on the wall."

We could be The First on the wall. That's like double points.

We went for it. This wasn't a cheap buy in either.

I won't lie, I was intimidated. This was going to be painful. Christian was all business. We did air punches through the restaurant. We hit up the bathroom. We got ready.

And watched as they created two GIGANTIC piles of the most disgusting looking slop I have ever seen and poured them onto crusty rolls. These things were motherfucking huge. Like triple stuffed subs. The pepperoni and bacon felt under cooked, not crispy at all. A full order of fries chopped up into each pile.

We had made a huge mistake.

This photo doesn't do it justice...

The clock started. We grabbed forks. We were going to do this.

It was then that we learned the previous winner, that woman? Black Widow Sonya - professional eater. Gives Kobayashi a run for his money. We can eat, but we are no pros.

Fifteen minutes in I had barely made a dent. And it was DISGUSTING. The three cheeses in particular. The gamy bacon and 'pepperoni.' Ugh. If it was only beef and provolone I think I could have done it. Honestly.

But this was 5 lbs of utter artery clogging hell. And it didn't even taste good.

Still, Christian would not be deterred. Pride was on the line. We came for a photo.

We powered through.

Eventually Christian literally started getting food drunk. He still had a full sandwich and a roll left. While he was gone I decided to ramp it up. I would not disappoint. I went for a huge bite - and started dry heaving at the smell.

That's when I knew. Discretion was the better part of valor. There was NO WAY I would finish this. Forget whether or not I could (I couldn't) - I SHOULDN'T.

I was still feeling okay. Knowing I wouldn't get my photo, I just stopped. There was no reason to spend the rest of the day feeling disgusting for no reason.

As Sarah Davis says - life is too short to eat food that doesn't taste good.

Sully was mad. He wanted to finish. He tried. He tried so hard. And got one all the way down. HE GOT ONE. But it was just too much. Men were not meant to eat this.

The Black Widow had done it in 15 minutes.

Defeat.

Before we left, Christian went to the bathroom to throw up. He really went the distance on this one.

We both said we were okay, but we felt it. Defeated. Vanquished. Unsuccessful.

As we left, it started to rain. We walked to the car with the water dripping down our faces, the sky overcast.

Okay God, we got the message.

I honestly don't know if I'll ever eat a cheese steak again.

#283. Do the 30 Day Song Challenge - Day 6

Day 6 - A Song That Reminds You Of Somewhere

K's Choice - Not An Addict

This song will always remind me of the Ranch Computer Lab, with TJ singing along ironically.

Great song, tragically amusing context.

#283. Do the 30 Day Song Challenge - Day 5

Day 5 - A Song That Reminds You Of Someone

Kelly.

Taylor Swift - You Belong To Me

When Kelly and I first got together, this was 'our song.' We would sing it in the car, text each other when it came on in a restaurant. It was sweet.

Like a lot of inside jokes or little things with friends or lovers, over time it faded in prominence. At a certain point I didn't really think of it at all.

Then suddenly when we broke up, it was stuck in my head all the time. It was the sound track to my missing her. It just came back.

It's amazing how deep in the brain things can get buried.

So I always think of Kel when I hear this song, and I assume I always will.

#283. Do the 30 Day Song Challenge - Day 4

Day 4 - A Song That Makes You Sad

I just listened to this song again (and I'm writing to it now) and thought it would probably be an angry kind of sad, but it turns out it's just a really sad kind of sad.

Matthew Good Band - Suburbia

This song is best in the dark, with the lights out in a room with a window, or coming through headphones out in the middle of nowhere surrounded by trees.

Something about the instrumentation gets me deep, and so does the matter of fact delivery of wrath, sadness, and pain.

But what really gets me are these lyrics

someday this place is gonna burn
is your whole life in there waiting?
someday your head is going to turn
and you'll realize i'm missing

do you realize?

I think about the ranch.

I think about disappearing, and how I did. Straight out of suburbia.

I think about the people making that decision to send me away.

I lose myself again.

And watch the world from a distance.

If I disappeared today, who would know I'm missing?

And would you realize how much you missed me?

#283. Do the 30 Day Song Challenge - Day 3

Day 3 - A Song That Makes You Happy

It's been awhile since I've heard it, but...

Europe - The Final Countdown

I mean - it has its own dance.

Bunker Flashback!

Flash Fact - There are a LOT of photos of me and John Barkmeyer dancing to this or Journey on Facebook.

But less than there should be.

Flash Fact.

#275. Hook Up To Mother Mother's 'Body of Years'

This is now something that has happened.

Last night was pretty intense. And the next few days/weeks/months will be interesting.

I hope in a really good way.

I want that very much.

So much.

It's all process.

You gotta see the artistry in tearing the place apart with me, baby.

Either way, Mother Mother is a great band to hook up to.

- Wrecking Ball

- Body of Years

- Calm Me Down

Use your body - use it to put me to sleep.

Your body, oh - soothe my soul.

So beautiful.

#283. Do the 30 Day Song Challenge - Day 2

Day 2 - Your Least Favorite Song

Uncle Kracker - Follow Me

True story - I have literally walked out of places to avoid this song. On more than one occasion.

I hate his name. I hate his voice.

I hate this song.

#280. Reconcile With An Old Friend You Are No Longer Friends With

This is not the venue to get into the longer story (so I have actually learned something since the days of livejournal, apparently) but in brief - at one point Nevie Brooks and I were pretty close friends.

For the last year and a half we were decidedly not.

After coffee today (during which no coffee was actually drunk) I'm not sure I would say we're friends again, but that the possibility will be left to the future, rather than decided by the past.

And that we had a surprisingly nice chat that reminded me why we were friends in the first place.

I'm going to call that one in the win column.

Times Past

#283. Do the 30 Day Song Challenge - Day 1

Day 1 - Your Favorite Song

This one is easy. My favorite song of all time is without a doubt -

Matthew Good - The Fine Art of Falling Apart

I love this song.

The most hauntingly beautiful song I've ever heard. Recorded live in one take with an acoustic guitar. The combination of these lyrics and the tragedy and expressiveness of his voice is the most powerful and beautiful statement of sadness, loss, isolation, and acceptance that I've ever experienced.

"I used to think I'd get over everything

but everything just got over me."

My favorite lyric of all time.

This is a song that makes me happy and makes me sad. It gives me imagery and inspires projects and art, but also causes me to slow down and listen to every word and every note. I find so much meaning in every ache, every word, every chord.

One of my most treasured memories is seeing this song performed live, directly for me after a request at the XM Studios.

Ignore the bad sound quality of the video in the link, the recording is much cleaner.

Just sit back, turn the lights off, and listen.

This song is a piece of my soul, recorded by someone else.

I walk alone and I
I ride alone and I
I rock myself to sleep
Baby, there ain't enough room in this world
For people like you
And horrors like me

A time of darkness
There lived a girl in a cave in the woods
Disguised as a bee
At night she would fly into the city
Sting the cause
And sting the cost
And she would hover over me
Whispering
We're surfacing
We're surfacing

Well I stand alone and I
I fight alone and I
Stay clean by feeling cheap
And baby, there ain't enough room in this world
For perfections like you
And monsters like me

A time of darkness
You will look absurd and you will feel inert
And you'll go looking to blame somebody
You see I used to think I'd get over everything
But everything just got
over me

I'm some of it
You're some of it
We're some of it
I'm certain of it

I walk alone and I
I ride alone and you know
That's all right by me
See baby there ain't enough room in this world
For a great, great many things.

#204. Keep a Food Log Every Day for Six Months - Week 1

A few years ago I started keeping a food log for the first time, in order to become more consciously aware of exactly what I was putting into my body. I recorded everything I ate and when. At the time I also recorded when I woke up and how long I exercised. This went along with a concerted effort to make some dietary changes and to try and exercise every day.

I think I lasted a couple months and lost some weight.

Then Halloween and the holidays happened and I was off the rails.

More recently (six months ago?) I was having weird headaches and dizzy spells, plus a weird sensation in my right foot and eye. I went to the doctor, and I was on the brink of diabetes. Like, if there was a cliff, I was staring out over the ledge.

I made a huge dietary change and lost twenty pounds in a month.

Then I was like "yay, I did it!" and promptly fell off the rails.

So here I am again hoping this time to stay the course.

Because I am fat, and I hate it.

So much.

I can go into how it happened and why but the point is I have an unhealthy relationship with food and a need for instant gratification and that's gotta stop cause I need to lose weight. For my health, my body image, and myself.

So I can look in the mirror, or at a photo, and not be angry.

So this is step one. Six months of a food log, with what will hopefully be continued and consistent gradual dietary changes and exercise as well.

Along with public accountability.

So below - this is now 'base level.' We're looking for better decisions next week.

WEEK 1

SUNDAY 7/31

9-45 AM

Nutri-Grain Bar

12-45pm

Turkey Sandwich - Turkey Breast, Swiss Cheese, Lettuce, Onion, Cranberry Sauce, Mayonaise, Pumpernickle Bread

Bottled Water

6pm

Ribs w/ Dry Rub & BBQ Sauce

Pulled Pork w/ BBQ Sauce

One Sausage Link

Baked Beans

Cole Slaw

Two handfuls of french bread w/ butter

MONDAY 8/1

1pm

4 pieces of tandoori chicken

Basmati Rice

Curry w/ Peas and Cheese

Bottled Water

4-15pm

Parmesan/Garlic/Herb Pita Chips

Cheddar Cheese Spread

9pm

Cheeseburger - 1/2 lb Beef Patty, BBQ Sauce, Bleu Cheese, Bun

Potato Chips w/ Dill Sauce

Pineapple Juice/Rum/Sprite

TUESDAY 8/2

12-15pm

Turkey Burger -Ground Turkey Pattie, Mayonaise, Bun

3pm

Handful of pretzels with vegetable dip

6-15pm

1lb Cheeseburger - 1lb Beef pattie, swiss cheese, A1 Sauce, Chipotle Mayo, Roasted Red Peppers, Sauteed Onions, Two Olives, Bun

Water

WEDNESDAY 8/3

12-15pm

1 Regular Sausage Link

1 Jalapeno and Cheese Sausage Link

1 Cupcake

2-30pm

100% Pomegranate/Acai Naked Juice

7-30pm

Sundried Tomato Hummus

Grilled Pita

Watermelon Margarita

8-45pm

Chicken Kabob w/ Roasted Red Pepper Sauce

Grilled Vegetables

Yellow Rice

2 glasses of White Wine Sangria

THURSDAY 8/4

10-15am

Salted Roasted Cashews

12-30pm

Grilled Chicken Wrap - Grilled Chicken Breast, Pineapple Salsa, Light Mayo, Lettuce, Onion, Provolone Cheese, Hot Peppers, Tomato Tortilla

Two Pickle Spears

6-30pm

Grilled Chicken Sandwich - Grilled Chicken Breast, Roasted Red Peppers, ranch, Bun

Potato Chips with Dill Sauce

Rum/Pineapple Juice/Sprite

FRIDAY 8/5

12-30pm

One Jamaican Beef Patty

Spicy Chicken Wrap - Spicy Pulled Chicken, Pesto, Goat Cheese, Arugala, Banana Peppers, Sour Cream, Tortilla

Bottled Water

4pm

"1 Orange Izze Sparkling Juice

"

7-30pm

Deviled Eggs Au Poivre with Beef Sashimi

Cheese Plate - 5 Assorted Cheeses with Crostinis and jam

April Showers - domaine de canton, pomegranate grenadine, Orange Juice, champagne

8-30pm

2 Tacos de la Calle - steak, onions, cilantro, charred salsa, cotija, lime, tortilla

Absinthe

2 Unknown Cocktails

11-30pm

Watermelon Limeade Cocktail

SATURDAY 8/6

12-30pm

Roast Beef Sandwich - Roast Beef, Lettuce, Tomato, Pepper Jack, Mango Chutney, Rye Bread

2-20pm

2 small packs of Welch's fruit snacks

7pm

Chili Mac - Chili, Spaghetti, Cheddar Cheese, Sour Cream

1 piece of Cornbread w/ butter

Ice Water

Better Than a Bullet Being Fired

This is the story of a pink plane.

It was New Year's Eve, almost a decade ago now. We were at Ami's house, which was tradition for a number of years in high school - and my friend Dan Strauss was not having a good night.

It was late, that period where everyone is lying down but not quite ready to sleep. Some couples had split off to other rooms to go hook up in private, with the rest of us all in Miri's (Ami's sister's) room, talking and laughing. And even though we weren't all actual couples, somehow everyone had paired up with someone to lay down and cuddle with for the night. In my case it was Ashley Houghton, a friend from high school who I think liked me at the time, but was on her way into a relationship with another friend - even if she was in denial about that happening. They got together soon after. So nothing happened, but it was nice to have someone just not to be alone with. Everyone had someone that night.

Except Dan.

He stood in the middle of the room, looking at these bodies laid out on the bed and the floor and even though none of it was 'real,' seeing all his friends with someone on NYE and him without - he got angry. Real angry.

And when Dan Strauss gets angry things get funny.

At first I thought it was a joke, but I found out later it wasn't at all. Just a mix of exhaustion and frustration and loneliness that coalesced into the greatest monologue I have ever heard. I wish I could remember it word for word, but it's been too long and lost to the ether. But it started with a loud declaration of intention and then -

"I'm a plane. A pink plane. Searching for a hangar."

And for twenty something minutes, with all of us nearly crying laughing so hard, Dan told the story of himself as a small pink plane, wandering through the sky looking for a hangar - the smallest, pinkest plane - unable to stop, not finding any place welcome, no place to rest. No one to be with, no where to be - just searching. Searching desperately for a hangar in the sky.

A pink plane, all alone.

Then, sad and defeated with a final sigh about his pinkness, he walked to the bathroom.

All we could see was the open doorway and the sudden sound of Dan screaming a bloodcurdling cry of rage - then two half naked bodies trying to put on clothes while running away down the hall with Dan screaming "Have you no respect! Here! HERE! How can you do this to me!" from the bathroom.

They had been hooking up. He walked in. It was just too much for him.

It may have been the funniest thing I've seen in my life.

We woke up the next morning and I tried to convince Dan to come out for pancakes, but he was having nothing of it. He was still a pink plane looking to be loved, and pink planes have no time for pancakes - they have to stay on the move. I was insistent (it would be fun!) and followed him to his car all my stuff in hand. I was distracted for a moment and looked up to see him already driving away - mid conversation.

He said that looking in his rear view at me standing in the middle of the road, holding blankets and pillows like an abandoned puppy was the saddest thing he had ever seen.

I'm going to Dan's wedding in two weeks. He's marrying the love of his life, and it's a pretty amazing story.

He's marrying his first crush from high school, but they didn't get together then. He was totally into her and it never happened. He even wrote a song about it (Drowning Max's Burned Out) which I still have memorized. It was a classic story of the nice guy not getting the girl and watching her go off with someone else. I wrote a song like that. Every guy who ever made music wrote a song like that. The girl you end up holding an impossible torch for for years to come.

And then it actually happened. In college, they got together. Dan actually lived the dream.

But beyond living the dream, they live reality. The actual reality of true love, that mix of the movie romance we all dream about and the practical maintenance of the day to day that relationships need to function beyond the glow - that delicate, imperceptible balance.

It would have been easy to end the story at guy pines, years later gets girl, send em home happy.

Instead they've had ups and downs, good times and less so, real moments of doubt, real moments of joy. Because they are real people. As real people they are together in a real, meaningful way and now they are getting married.

I can't tell you how happy I am. How much I respect Daniel Strauss as a man and as a friend. Because I have such a tremendous respect for him it is almost intimidating. He's without a doubt the funniest person I know. One of the most intelligent, driven, and talented. To see him find happiness and put in the work to keep it - he deserves Rachel very much. He deserves his dream girl. And I don't know her as well but she's awesome and a class act and very much deserves him too.

And on August 20th I get to watch as that pink plane gets the all clear to stay awhile.

I woke up this morning after having the latest in a series of dreams about my ex. Some people get nightmares about zombies or snakes. I have conversations with people I love but can't be with about how much I love them and then can't be with them.

It's my body's way of telling me that even though my brain is able to focus on and do other things throughout the day this is where my heart is. Unresolved.

I put on the Foo Fighters because I woke up with a song in my head, and was caught off guard when the album got to Headwires. I love the song. But I was hit by an instant and unexpected piercing pain.

Years ago, I was driving with Ashley (from NYE) when Everlong came on. She told me she always wanted to have sex to Everlong. I listened to it, and I don't care if it's cheesy, I did too. If I was making a 300 list then it would have been number two (after a new year's kiss). So when I started dating my first girlfriend, we did. It was pretty great. The Foo Fighters in general, especially 'There Is Nothing Left To Lose', makes great background music. And Headwires in particular became the song I most identify with her, with us, and being together.

It's incredible just how powerfully a song can bring you back to a specific moment in time, a specific feeling in your body, remembering the smell and feel of hair and skin. I wasn't prepared for it this morning, so soon after my dream - it caught me off guard, to be transported back. I loved her, but I'm over her. What made me feel even sadder is that I don't have any songs like that with my current ex - who I'm not over.

No music that brings me back to what we had in quite that way. In other ways, absolutely. Through other senses, absolutely. But we never slept to music, and while that may seem inconsequential to some people the fact that I had sex for a year and a half and never to music is a sign of just how much of my soul wasn't working for far too long. It's a regret, and if I could go back I would create a memory with a trigger that sonically deep because that is what she means to me.

Because I miss her.

Instead I sat there in my room and listened and thought.

I am a pink plane, and I'm looking for a hangar.

Something in between reality and dream.

#98. Get Rejected 100 Times - 1

Yesterday I was driving in my car on the way to a meeting when I was possessed by a sudden urge to address some lingering issues in my life. In quick succession I made four phone calls to have or initiate four conversations with four different people I've been having difficulties with. Ranging from short term discomfort to fights going back years, I decided I wasn't going to be worried about how those conversations (or confrontations) might go, but to dive in head on and HAVE them. Rather than live in avoiding the issues, I was going to DEAL with them. That is a tremendous risk, or at least felt like one. Making that call, initiating - that can be intimidating, especially once things have been left to simmer and fester. The problem becomes the status quo. In one case in particular we're talking anger, hurt, and resentment that has been building for years, with someone who was once one of my closest friends. Fear of actually, definitively losing that friendship kept me confined to this limbic state of being extraordinarily frustrated and yet too worried to get in there and figure it out.

Well, fuck that noise.

Fear is a shitty reason not to do what you should or want or need to do, unless there's a gun involved.

So I made some calls.

And along those lines, tonight I was sitting around with friends, looking at and thinking about one in particular. About how she has consistently been one of the smartest, coolest, prettiest people I know.

And how in that moment, I knew I wanted to kiss her someday.

I had also been drinking.

So rather than sitting on that thought or stifling it, once everyone else ran to the bathroom I asked her if she wanted to get dinner, as a date. She said no.

And aside from the unfortunate timing of her contact lens having issues just as she responded (leading to some weird and awkward faces totally separate from the ones you make when your friend asks you out) it was that simple.

And while my ego was slightly bruised for two minutes, I am much happier for having created a potential opportunity than sitting on possibility.

Because people are so afraid to feel bad that they avoid anything that will make them feel.

There is a freedom to being a man without fear that I will continue to seek.

1 down, 99 to go.

#88. Get Your Picture on Three Restaurant Walls - 1 & 2

Years ago, back in high school, Potbelly Sandwich Works was not nearly as ubiquitous as it is today. I know there was a location in DC, and there may have been others I wasn't aware of, but the center of the franchise (at least to me) was located at Rockville Town Center right next to the Regal Cinemas. For a very brief period my two best friends (Jacob Cunningham and Ami Newman-Paul) and I were regulars. It started when my band, Serpentina, played an acoustic set of covers and originals upstairs in the tiny Potbelly singer area. I'm pretty sure we started flirting with one of the counter girls. And suddenly we were hanging out at Potbelly. It was no Silver Diner in terms of lifetime significance, where in high school you could walk in any day and any time and find someone you knew. It wasn't even the Burger King at Travilah Square, where we would escape to when I was grounded because it was in walking distance. It was a hiccup, and I can't imagine hanging out at a Potbelly now.

But I know that for a brief time we were there often enough for a picture of the three of us to end up on the wall.

And then we moved on.

So that's one down.

According to the challenge, I have to get two more pictures on restaurant walls. So tonight Christian and I went to take the Cheeburger challenge at Cheeburger Cheeburger.

Or as they put it "You take a pounder, we'll take a picture."

In any other context I never want to take anything called a pounder. But here it means finish a one pound burger and get your photo on the fat ass wall of fame.

I can do that.

This is not difficult for a man of my size and skill.

I ain't gonna lie - these were some pretty big ass burgers. And they were good. I went with the A1, Chipotle Mayo, Roasted Red Peppers, Sauteed Onions combo. Sully went for a classic with jalapenos and pepper jack. There was an option for peanut butter. I can honestly say in my life I have never thought to put peanut butter on a hamburger. #293 maybe?

Please no.

We were smart though, and only went for the burger. No milk shake (even though they are AWESOME here - they put actual cheesecake mix in their cheesecake flavored milkshakes, graham cracker crust in the pies flavors) or fries or rings (also amazing). Just straight burger action. So not only were we obviously victorious, neither of us got the itis. I was full, but clear headed. Not groggy, like I get way too many times after eating. And that was very nice, even though I had actual cravings for desert.

That's not a good sign.

I thought he was only taking a picture of the empty baskets...

We didn't realize they were going to make an announcement to the whole restaurant, so that was awkward. But we got what we came for - a photo of us with the giant stuffed burger we named Carlos up on the wall.

We won't be regulars, but you can still come in and see us any time you want.

Best friends, and a burger.