The day started with such promise. The sun was bright, the weather clear, and Jason Schlafstein and Christian Sullivan both had actual days off. On a weekend.
We had a plan. It was easy. We would go get our picture on a final restaurant wall, recover over an AFI Top 100 movie, and then go eat an obscure animal body part. Cross off three from the list in one day, nice and relaxed like.
So we made our way to South Street Steaks in my old stomping grounds of Quince Orchards to do the Cheesesteak Challenge. Two cheesesteaks? No problem.
When we got there, there were no photos on the wall.
That should have been our first warning.
We were assured that they still did the challenge. Not only would we get our picture on the wall, but a $50 gift card. Awesome.
But it wasn't just eat two cheesesteaks.
It was eat two Mis-steaks.
The Mis-Steak is a giant sandwich filled with steak, pepperoni, bacon, onions, three kinds of cheese, and most disgustingly french fries - all on a bun.
The rules were no bathroom breaks, no throwing up, no sharing, plate clean.
45 minutes.
The guy behind the counter laughed in our face basically. Said we didn't know what we were getting into. We asked did anyone else ever finish it? "Some woman," he said. "She didn't want her picture on the wall."
We could be The First on the wall. That's like double points.
We went for it. This wasn't a cheap buy in either.
I won't lie, I was intimidated. This was going to be painful. Christian was all business. We did air punches through the restaurant. We hit up the bathroom. We got ready.
And watched as they created two GIGANTIC piles of the most disgusting looking slop I have ever seen and poured them onto crusty rolls. These things were motherfucking huge. Like triple stuffed subs. The pepperoni and bacon felt under cooked, not crispy at all. A full order of fries chopped up into each pile.
We had made a huge mistake.
This photo doesn't do it justice...
The clock started. We grabbed forks. We were going to do this.
It was then that we learned the previous winner, that woman? Black Widow Sonya - professional eater. Gives Kobayashi a run for his money. We can eat, but we are no pros.
Fifteen minutes in I had barely made a dent. And it was DISGUSTING. The three cheeses in particular. The gamy bacon and 'pepperoni.' Ugh. If it was only beef and provolone I think I could have done it. Honestly.
But this was 5 lbs of utter artery clogging hell. And it didn't even taste good.
Still, Christian would not be deterred. Pride was on the line. We came for a photo.
We powered through.
Eventually Christian literally started getting food drunk. He still had a full sandwich and a roll left. While he was gone I decided to ramp it up. I would not disappoint. I went for a huge bite - and started dry heaving at the smell.
That's when I knew. Discretion was the better part of valor. There was NO WAY I would finish this. Forget whether or not I could (I couldn't) - I SHOULDN'T.
I was still feeling okay. Knowing I wouldn't get my photo, I just stopped. There was no reason to spend the rest of the day feeling disgusting for no reason.
As Sarah Davis says - life is too short to eat food that doesn't taste good.
Sully was mad. He wanted to finish. He tried. He tried so hard. And got one all the way down. HE GOT ONE. But it was just too much. Men were not meant to eat this.
The Black Widow had done it in 15 minutes.
Defeat.
Before we left, Christian went to the bathroom to throw up. He really went the distance on this one.
We both said we were okay, but we felt it. Defeated. Vanquished. Unsuccessful.
As we left, it started to rain. We walked to the car with the water dripping down our faces, the sky overcast.
Okay God, we got the message.
I honestly don't know if I'll ever eat a cheese steak again.
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