put me to sleep

I do not believe in god.
I do not believe in fate.
I don’t believe in a lot of things.
But I have faith that I will know when I am in love and someone loves me.

Sometimes that is something I believe.

I have someone sometimes who I want all the time.
She’s asleep.

When she wakes up I don’t know if she’ll love me.
Some days she does, and some she doesn’t.
Most she doesn’t know.
It isn’t easy.

When she wakes up I don’t know if she’ll look at me with a soft smile and lit eyes and say ‘hi’, and gently pull me to her while she nestles back to sleep. I don’t know if she’ll look at me, feel nothing, and only kiss me because in the moment, that’s what’s easy.

I don’t know.
So I go to the bathroom and I throw up. I dry heave my anxiety until my mouth is filled with bile and my chest burns. I look at myself in the mirror, deep into my own eyes and say “no one will ever fight for you like this.”

But when I look at her next to me, sleeping in my bed - my god she’s in my bed.
Her hair is askew and she’s breathing lightly, her lip slightly curled and her skin soft like silk - she is so beautiful. More than my words can ever hope to say or convey. She’s so pretty. She’s so peaceful.
And she is here with me.
Even for one moment, one night, one memory – by her choice, again, she is here with me.
I love this woman like nothing I have known.
And in my heart, half the time in her eyes, I think she loves me.
She’s not sure, but I believe.

I do not believe in God.
But I have my faith.