Secret Origin

This actually started two years ago as a project called 300 before 30. I was working as an intern at Woolly Mammoth Theatre and got to read a script called Bob by Peter Sinn Nachtrieb. Bob was the story of one character's life, appropriately named Bob, told over the course of one play. At one point Bob is living at a rest stop on the side of the highway when he's surprised with a kiss by a beautiful woman, who immediately checks something off a list. It turns out this woman has an arranged marriage on the horizon and as a last hurrah to the life she's lead, her friends have created a bucket list for her pre-marriage existence - including to kiss a stranger at a rest stop. She and Bob fall in love and live together awhile at the rest stop until she leaves him to fulfill her duty to her marriage, although she's unable to go through with it and I think she ends up walking into the sea.

Though I liked the play I didn't love it (it was a rough draft and I'm genuinely sure it has gotten only more wonderful by now), but this scene stuck with me. I couldn't get it out of my head. I was 24, I think, and in a bad place. Frustrated with my internship, in a financial mess, living at home to make the internship work and very sad and lonely - not over a bad breakup from a few years before. I was enchanted by this kiss, sudden and unexpected, a gift for both of them that never would have happened if not for this list. And I was obsessed with the kiss I had never had - a new year's kiss. For years this singular experience had missed me. I wanted one so bad, and had never had one.

And so with Bob as an inspiration and trying to fight an utter sense of profound dissatisfaction in my life, I asked thirty friends to each suggest ten things I had never done and should - experiences, challenges, tasks, and adventures to put me out of my comfort zone and force me to live life in an interesting new way. I would attempt one a week, try to complete them all by my thirtieth birthday, and blog about my experiences. A bucket list for my youth. 300 before 30.

It never happened. We started putting the list together, but never made it to 300. I couldn't get enough suggestions and it started to get frustrating. I'm someone who looks to have things ready and so I kept waiting to start. The beginning date kept getting pushed back.

And then...

It was a bad night, the peak of depression. There was a party I wanted to go to, and I also didn't. I was worried I'd run into my ex, and also wanted to. I was just upset. It was bad. I called her for the first time in a long time. I called my friend Christian, but he was in for the night with plans of Alcohol and Breaking Bad. I ended up driving around College Park aimlessly wandering around old apartments I'd lived in, calling old roommates or acquaintances I hadn't spoken to in years. I was miserable. There was a moment of clarity - I was either going to call my ex and see if she wanted to get a drink, or end up at Christian's door. In that moment there were suddenly no other options.

Thankfully, I ended up at Christian's door. We ended up in a parking lot, just standing around, and I started to feel better. I suggested we go to this party and shockingly (Christian doesn't like to go out once he's got indoor alone time plans set) he was game. We went.

It was one of the best nights of my life.

We pulled a successful double wing man operation (likely the first and only of our careers).

He hooked up with his soon to become future girlfriend.

I did the same with mine.

It was my first party hookup. We went to breakfast the next day. A date on Thursday. By New Years Eve I had my kiss.

And soon after I had my second love.

That dissatisfaction passed and 300 before 30 went by the wayside.

And over the course of the next year and a half I went from knowing this person as a beautiful girl to an incredible woman. A strong, funny, smart, damaged, difficult, amazing, complicated, deep woman. And it forced me to actually face down a lot of shit from before. It was not easy. But I loved her, and it was worth it.

Unfortunately (really unfortunately) we just broke up. I'd be lying if I said I don't hope we'll be together again one day. Because I really do. Which is not smart, I know. I'm trying to get past that. It's not likely, it's not something to hope for. I still am though, partly, and time will help to mitigate that.

Still...

That dissatisfaction is back again. I think it's actually been back for a long time, but this really set it loose. And this time I'm not going to wait. I've taken the old list, added some things, I've solicited some new ideas. Feel free to suggest some.

In the meantime, I'm going to start hopefully living life better. And as part of that I have my list, incomplete though it is. What will eventually be 300 adventures, challenges, tasks, activities, and risks to have new experiences.

Hopefully one a week.

I'll blog them all.

And a new wrinkle - hopefully each of them with someone. My very own Schlafstein Team Up.

Hope you'll join me - either in reading, or in the doing.

Collected Possibilities.