I don't like beer.
I didn't grow up in a household with much alcohol. We had a wine rack and liquor cabinet, but they were never used. I certainly never thought about sneaking anything out of it. They were like the antiques and porcelain figurines around our house - part of the decor/mess combination I grew up in, not actual bottles of liquid you would drink. I think I saw my mother maybe drink wine twice outside of religious ceremonies from ages 1-17 of my life. Alcohol was so not a part of my existence that even in the throws of the endless infant/child/teenage/college/now/always rebellion and power struggle between myself and my parents I never once even had the idea to go get wasted or drink anything, really. My sister and I came home one day a few years ago and found a six pack in the fridge and quite literally both stared at it in befuddlement until we discovered it was part of a halloween costume my dad wore to a party.
Christian eventually drank the beer.
I was also straight-edge until I was 21. Absolutely no alcohol of any kind in any quantity once I had the understanding of what it was. I've still never smoked a cigarette, or any tobacco, or done any drugs. I'm even trying to stay away from caffeine more now and I take pain medication SUPER rarely (though I do when needed), and only over the counter stuff. I had my first drink on my 21st birthday in Steve Bragale's basement and I'm pretty sure it was a Mike's hard Lemon or Limeade. I've been drunk twice in my life and I don't like it, and I've been buzzed a few more times than that (I'm starting to get the appeal, five years into it). Suffice it to say, drinking is not a substantial part of my life and if I never drank alcohol again it would be no great loss. I'm still getting used to the fact that my friends just keep beer stocked around the house. All the time. Cause they drink it. Every day.
So if I'm not drinking to get drunk, then I'm doing it for taste. And I HATE the taste of beer. IPAs in particular (dear god), but I'm just not a fan. People say it's an acquired taste but as a very wise sixteen year old character in a play I recently directed said "Who'd want to acquire this?" I can manage a few sips, and there are a few beers that I'm just neutral on, but I find nothing "enjoyable" or "refreshing" about them - though I really appreciate hearing people who do love beer talking about all the different varieties, etc. Any interest I have in beer is of a purely intellectual kind. Leave me to my fuzzy navels, mojitos, and pineapple/rum/sprite combinations.
If I'm a pay to poison myself, it's gonna taste GOOD.
So it may come as no surprise that I have never shotgunned a beer.
Until now.
Last night I met up with Max Nova and Sarah Davis to power down a can of alcohol in the most hose like way possible. None of us had ever done so before. Sarah backed out (and took pictures). Max and I went for it.
Going in, I had both strengths and weaknesses:
Weakness - I hate beer.
Strength - my superhuman ability to consume gargantuan amounts of liquids in record time, from water to ginger ale.
I felt ready.
My Enemy.
We stood at the sink, ready for anything. Max went first, and proceeded to shoot beer all over himself and his sink.
It's like a mini fireworks display.
Eventually he got the hang of it.
Even when shotgunning a beer, Max keeps etiquette in mind.
And then... it was my turn.
Man vs. Beer
And you know what? I rocked it. Given the speed of the beverage traveling down my gullet I could barely taste it. No need for my Root Beer chaser. No spillage. Just pure liquid consumption and epic can crunching and posing. A world I was born to rule.
True Metal Radio.
Because here's the thing - it's not like I've ever needed a reason to chug something.
That's just what I do.
Now I have to do a keg stand a body shot.
Bring it on.
We Crush You.
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